Harry Potter and the Mysterious Llama
by WizardRocker
Summary: When a mysterious animal turns up in the Gryffindor common room, Harry, Ron and Hermione, now in their sixth year, have to deal with yet another problem in their already quite problematic life. A llama. Features everyone from Voldemort to the Creeveys.
1. WTF A Llama?

_Hey everyone - this is my first ever published fanfic. I hope you like it, and I really hope you can accept the OOC-ness. It's for the humour :) mostly :D anyway. Here's the first chappie, I really hope you like it and you think it's funny. Since that is the general idea of it you know. And I hope you'll forgive me for being Danish and therefore more likely to use words, phrases or expressions wrong ... meh. -.- If you see me doing this, please, for the love of Merlin, tell me.  
_

_Please review and make me happy! :)  
_

**- CHAPPIE 1: WTF A LLAMA?! -**

It was the middle of a Sunday afternoon and Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was sitting alone in the Gryffindor common room, grumbling over his usual problems: Voldemort, school and girls.

_It's so unfair,_ he thought. _Why is it always me? Why do all these things happen to me? There's so much homework in school _and _there's Snape, Voldemort keeps trying to kill me, and either the girls like me or they hate me. And of course, the ones I actually like are the ones that don't like me ..._

After a couple more minutes of gru mbling over his miserable life, the hole, door, portrait or whatever is is, to the common room opened and Harry's red-haired friend Ronald Weasley entered.

"Where've you been?" asked Harry grumpily. He hadn't seen his best friend all afternoon.

"I've been out looking for you!" Ron responded. "Where've _you _been?"

"Here."

"Oh."

"You didn't think of looking in the common room?"

Ron blushed and looked down. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Where's Hermione then?" asked Ron to change the subject.

"Dunno, I thought she was with you," said Harry.

"Well, she's not.

"I can see that.

"Where is she then?"

"Didn't I just say I thought she was with you?"

Ron blushed again. But as he looked down, a strange expression of something like wonder came across his face. His eyes traveled upwards and landed on something above Harry's head with an expression of shock.

"Merlin's pants ..."

"What?" Harry asked.

He looked around but couldn't see anything unusual except for a llama which was currently halfway through eating Harry's paper. He looked back at Ron again. _Wait ..._

_WHAT? _He looked back at the llama, now almost done eating Harry's Potions essay. It had taken him five hours to finish it the day before. That was the final drop.

"LET GO, YOU IDIOT ANIMAL!" he shouted, jumping up from his chair. But just then, the llama swallowed. Harry started blankly at the animal until it spat him in the face.

"That's _it, _I'm gonna KILLyou! _You annoying little--"_

"What's going on here?" said a voice from the door (or ... you know). Harry and Ron turned around to see Hermione, carrying her usual ten books.

"Where've you been?" Ron asked her.

"In the library," she answered with an air of obviousity.

"Oh."

"You've been looking for me?"

"Yes."

"And you didn't think to look in the library?"

Ron blushed and looked down again. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Anyway," said Hermione, putting down her books, "what's that llama doing here? I didn't know we were allowed to have such big pets." She pointed to the llama which was now in the middle of reading Ron's Potions essay as well.

"OI! STOP THAT!" yelled Ron. And the llama swallowed once again. Then it spat at Ron too.

"Ron, calm down!" Hermione said as Harry grabbed the back of Ron's robes to prevent him from attacking the llama.

"That's easy for you to say, it didn't just eat the essay _you've_ spent five hours making!"

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"No, because it doesn't take everybody five hours to make a one foot long essay about something as simple as Ageing Potions," Hermione said. Ron glared at her and opened his mouth to reply but Hermione cut him off.

"Anyway," she said loudly, "what's it doing here?"

"I dunno," answered Harry. "Suddenly it was just ... there."

"Well, I'm sure there's a logical explanation," said Hermione.

"How? I've been sitting here for hours and there was no llama when I came, then Ron came in and it was just there!"

Hermione turned to look at Ron.

"You didn't bring it here, did you?" she asked.

"Me?" said Ron incredulously. "Why would _I _bring it here? The bloody thing just ate my essay!"

He pointed to the llama which started licking his finger. "EW! Get that bloody thing out of here!"

"We will, as soon as we've figured out _why_ it's here," said Hermione, stepping closer to the llama. It looked curiously at her. Then Hermione started speaking very fast, "I hardly think it's anyone's pet, according to _Hogwarts, A History _bringing pets this big was banned after a girl brought a lion in 1654, of course it was tame, but it still scared all the students to death, and--"

"Look, we don't care if the lion ate McGonagall's knickers or something, that's got nothing to do with this!" said Ron.

Hermione looked offended, glaring at Ron out of the corner of her eye.

"Well then," she said, "what I was saying was that I think it must be here for another reason. Who knows?" she whispered, looking curiously at the llama. "It might have brought a message for someone!"

"That thing?" said Harry sceptically. "It really doesn't look that smart to me, Hermione."

"Well, if you're gonna be that way about it, I guess we should just leave it here then!"

"No!" said Ron quickly. "No, of course we'll help." He was obviously dreading that it might eat more of his homework.

"Okay. Well, I thnk we should go see professor Dumbledore. He might know why it's here," Hermione said.

"Dumbledore?" asked Harry. "Hermione, are you serious? Got to Dumbledore because we've got a llama in our common room? Now, that was one weird sentence ..."

"Yes Harry, I think that's the right thing to do. It isn't normal that a llama just turns up like that!"

"You can say that again," muttered Ron.

"It isn't normal that a lla--"

"It wasn't literally Hermione," said Harry dully. "Should we go then?" he added quickly, as Hermione opened his mouth, slightly blushed.

"Wait, we can't just leave it here!" said Hermione.

"Why not?"

"Ron, how many of your things d'you think it will have eaten when we get back if nobody's here to keep an eye on it?"

"Good point," said Ron. "What do we do?"

"Well, obviously then we can't all go, so I think someone should stay back here with the llama."

"Who?"

"I don't know. Well, I think _I _should go to Dumbledore because I came up with this idea," said Hermione.

"Hey!"

"And I think I should go too, since I've been here the longest, not to mention that I'm the one who's got a super cool relationship with Dumbldore," said Harry quickly.

"_Hey!_" shouted Ron, but it was too late. Harry and Hermione were already on their way out of the common room. When they left, Ron turned the mysterious llama, sighed and said,

"Well, looks like it's just you and me now, pal."

The llama spat in his face. Again.


	2. Llama Fighting

_Hey awesome peoples reading my story. I seem to have forgotten a disclaimer. Idk why it's sooo important, because I really don't think anyone would ever go and say "I WANT MONEY FOR THIS, I OWN HARRY POTTER!" ... no matter how awesome it would be if it was true ... anywho, I don't own Harry Potter, kk. J. K. Rowling does. And we thank her every day for this miracle. K, done w/ that._

_Chappie two! I hope you like it, and I hope you like Dumbledore. And the llama. :D I've always wanted a llama ... Anyway, again, please forgive my whole being-Danish-thing.  
_

**- CHAPPIE 2: LLAMA FIGHTING -**

Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was sitting in his office, knitting a pair of wollen socks whilst eating sherbet lemons. Nobody ever bought him socks for his birthday or for Christmas, so he had decided to make some himself instead. And it turned out that he was rather good at knitting – especially socks. It was like it was part of his nature, actually.

On this late afternoon, he was knitting a pair of thick, wollen, red and gold socks (wonder why?) when there was a knock on the door.

"Enter," he said automatically. To his surprise, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger burst in, looking an awful lot like they were being chased by a giant gorilla. Which, considering the strange things that always seemed to happen to them and their friend, Mr Weasley, might just be the case.

"Professor!" they shouted simultaneously. Then they both burst into speech, and since they were speaking at the same time, Dumbledore was unable to hear exactly what they were saying. However, those words he was able to make out, such as 'llama', 'Ron', 'common room' and 'atemyfreakingessay!', made no sense to him whatsoever.

He raised his hand and both teenagers stopped talking.

"Now now, if you do not speak at the same time, it will be considerably easier for me to hear. Miss Granger, would you kindly tell me the reason why you are interrupting knitting?"

"Well, we-- What?" Hermione stared at Dumbledore, realising what he had just said.

"My knitting," he repeated. "Now, would you be so kind and tell me this seemingly _thrilling_ tale of yours, or shall I ask Mr Potter to tell me instead?"

"NO!" she shouted. Harry and Dumbledore looked at her in surprise. She blushed. She seemed afraid of not being allowed to express her wisdom. "I mean, um, no I can do it, don't-- don't worry."

And then she talked and talked. She explained all about the llama, how nobody knew why it was there, how it had created chaos in the common room ("It ate my bloody paper!" Harry exclaimed loudly at this point) and how she thought it might be there for a reason.

Dumbledore listened to the story with an expression of interest on his face.

"Very well," he said as Hermione had ended the story. "Where is the llama now?"

"In the common room," said Harry. "Ron's with it. To make sure it won't eat the rest of our stuff."

"Very well," said the old Headmaster again. "I shall take a look at it." He gestured to the door and the two students walked out, followed by the Headmaster.

They walked past doors, corridors, suits of armors, portraits, ghosts and even students. Harry and Hermione in front and Dumbledore in the back, as there was no other place left for him to be. Finally they reached the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Password?" she demanded.

"J. K. Rowling," answered Harry, and the Fat Lady swung forwards.

"J. K. Rowling?" asked Dumbledore. "Who is that?"

"Never you mind," the Fat Lady's voice said from behind them. They entered the common room and were instantly deafened by shouts and cheers. As they moved further into the room, they could see around twenty Gryffindors standing around the room, whooping and cheering. They were all looking and pointing at a fuzzy mass in the middle, which had an odd black and red mass hanging on to it. After a moment Harry, Hermione and Dumbledore realised that it was Ron, hanging aroung the llama's neck and shouting.

"GIVE ME MY BLOODY PAPER YOU BLOODY ANIMAL, OR I'LL TURN YOU INTO BLOODY LLAMA SHAWARMA!"

All the Gryffindors were yelling things like "Get it Ron, get it!" or "You go, Ron!" or – in Ginny's case – "Shake him off, shake him off!" and laughing. The llama was very obviously chewing on something with Ron's handwriting, and it looked very pleased despite having a teenage student hanging around its neck and shouting insults.

"Ron!" Hermione shouted, but only Harry and the Headmaster heard her. There was too much noise. Harry glanced at Hermione. She nodded in Ron's direction. Harry sighed, then made his way through the crowd with Hermione. When they reached the llama, Harry yelled,

"Ron! Get off that animal, you won't get your paper back anyway!"

But Ron didn't seem to hear him at all. Harry tried a different approach.

"Oi! Er ... Llama! Would you ... Would you please let go of Ron?"

The llama didn't seem to hear him either, though Harry supposed it was normal not to hear anything when there was an angry student shouting in your ear. That, and it was a llama. He turned to Hermione and shrugged. She rolled her eyes, then poked Ron in the side. He looked around.

"What?! Oh ..." he said, noticing who it was. "It's you." Then he looked around and saw Dumbledore standing in the middle of the room. "Oh," he said again. And, slightly red in the face, he let go of the llamas neck and landed on the floor.

"Er ... Sorry professor," he mumbled to Dumbledore.

"Do not worry, Mr Weasley. I can fully understand your anger. Once, when I was younger, my brother's goat ate my sherbet lemons. I was quite upset," he said, his eyes twinkling away as usual. "Now, if everyone except Mr Potter, Mr Weasley and Miss Granger would kindly leave the room so we can sort out this mystery, I will greatly appreciate it."

The other Gryffindors looked slightly bummed out but left the room. At last, the only ones left were the Trio, Dumbledore and the mysterious llama.

Dumbledore surveyed the llama over his half-moon glasses, then spoke.

"And none of you noticed the llama entering the common room?" he asked.

"No sir," they answered.

"It was here when I came," Hermione said.

"Same here," said Ron.

"Well, it wasn't here when I came and I sat here for hours," said Harry. "A llama can't just sneak past me like that. A mouse might, but not a llama!"

"Well, how did it get here, then?" asked Dumbledore. The teens shrugged. "Were you the only one in the common room in the hours you sat here, Harry?"

"Yeah, and I didn't see anyone going in or out," replied Harry.

"And you didn't fall asleep at any point?"

Harry thought for a while.

"I ... I'm not really sure. I don't remember."

"What were you doing here all alone, anyway?" asked Hermione.

"Gumbling."

"About what?" asked Ron.

"My life," said Harry simply.

"Oh. Right."

Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"So you might have fallen asleep during your ... grumbling, Harry," he said. Harry nodded. "Assuming that you did, someone could have entered the common room with the llama and simply placed it here without you noticing."

"But sir, doesn't a llama make noise?" asked Harry. "I mean, it must have been there at least fifteen minutes or something before I noticed it."

"You are quite right, Harry. Which makes this mystery even more mysterious."

"Sir?" said Hermione. "Who do you think brought it here then? Do you have any theories?"

"None at the momen,t I'm afraid," said Dumbledore, "but I assure you that I shall look into this, and as soon as I have the smallest clue, I shall inform you three."

Hermione nodded.

"Now, we will need a place for this llama to stay. I am afraid it cannot stay with Hagrid, as he is too busy with his newest, er ... project."

The Trio exchanged nervous looks. Hagrid's 'projects' usually involved something dangerous and smelly. Like cheese.

"So, for the time being, I am hoping it could stay here in Gryffindor Tower. I assume that you would not mind having it in your dormitory," he said, looking at Harry and Ron, "as you have already made a ... bond ... with it. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get back to my knitting."

And he left the room. Harry and Ron looked at each other.

"Why does it have to be _our_ dormitory?" asked Ron grumpily. "What can't it stay here in the common room?"

"I would attract too much attention," said Hermione wisely. "And it would eat all of the students' homework," she added matter-of-factly. Ron looked angrily at her.

"What?" she said. "I thought you wanted an explanation?"

Ron rolled his eyes for the first time in this story.

"Let's just get the bloody thing up there before it-- HEY!" he shouted, as he noticed that the llama had its head in Ron's school bag, in the middle of eating pretty much everything.

The llama looked up as Ron shouted, then spat in his face for the third time that day.

"Let's just get it up to your dormitory," said Hermione quickly, trying not to laugh as Ron's ears went red and he looked ready to jump onto it again.

Together, they somehow managed to get the llama up to Harry, Ron and the other sixth year boys' dormitory. The llama looked oddly misplaced, surrounded by beds, trunks and bedside tables. And then, suddenly, before anybody could stop it, it ran over to Ron's bed, jumped onto it and started jumping up and down, eating the curtains at the same time. The Trio stared at this odd sight for a moment before Ron shouted,

"OI! You bloody thing, get down!"

But the llama merely looked at him and kept bouncing.

"Well," Harry said as he and Hermione grabbed Ron's arms to keep him away from the lama, "this'll be interesting."

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_Please review. And make me happy. As that would be awesome. I need happiness these days, I just started what we would like to translate into High School, and so far it's not so awesome. Okay, I'm rambling. I tend to do that, you gotta get used to it ... Anyway, pleeeeeeeease review, and get ready for **Chappie 3: Llama Logic**, where we meet our dear old Potions Master. :D_


	3. Llama Logic

_Hey (totally) awesome people. Why yes, I have seen A Very Potter Musical. Have you? If not, DO IT!_

_... anyway. In the ideal world, where there is no such thing as school until late in the afternoon (lol, like at two pm but still) and no tons of homework already like four days after starting school, I would be able to update every second or third day. But I don't live there. My brother does. He deserves to be hit over the head with a fish for that. But yeah, so I will be updating quite often b/c I've already finished the story, I'm just, er ... re-writing it. Yah. But I seem to have fewer and fewer re-written chappies to upload, since I'm in school all friggin' day (or not lol), not to mention that the chappies are getting longer and longer as the story continues. So it won't be as often. But I _am_ hoping to do more than just once a week. But anyway, I guess that will leave you wondering what the answer to all these llama-related questions are for just a little longer :D  
_

_ Aaaaaaaanyharry, so this is chappie three, complete with Snape and all sorts of awesome stuff. I hope you don't think it's awful or anything :D but you can judge yourself. Go on, read :D see you by the end of this chappie :D lol (omg, these author's notes are getting so long, I don't even need a story ... please, you do not have to read it all every time, I just tend to ramble on and on.)  
_

**- CHAPPIE 3: LLAMA LOGIC -**

The day after the arrival of the mysterious llama, it was Monday. Which wasn't really strange, seeing as the day before had been Sunday. It was early morning and students were sitting in the Great Hall for breakfast. Ron was complaining loudly about what he refered to as 'that bloody goat' to Hermione.

"... and _all_ of Seamus's extra parchment and Neville's quills!"

He wasn't even bothering to keep his voice down, and Harry did not blame him. That morning, Harry, Dean, Seamus and Neville had woken up to loud screaming from Ron's bed. It turned out that 'that bloody goat' had volunteered as Ron's new alarm clock. Apparently it had started chewing on his hair, but luckily Ron had woken up as soon as he had felt it. However, when they were all fully awake, they were able to see the chaos the llama had created over night.

Dean's bedhangings were all gone, just like Ron's had been eaten the day before, Harry's glasses were bent in the middle and filled with saliva, Seamus's parchment was all gone, all that was left of Neville's quills were a couple of tiny feathers, Trevor the Toad was hiding under Dean's bed, and it had somehow managed to kidnap Harry's pillow and spread its contents around the room.

"I want that bloody goat out of here!" Ron finished.

"You didn't think of tying it to something so it wouldn't eat everything?" Hermione asked. Ron and Harry glared at her. "Apparently not," she said.

"You have a goat in your room?" said a dreamy voice from behind them.

Ron groaned and Harry turned around. There was Luna Lovegood from Ravenclaw, looking dreamy as ever and wearing her usual radish earrings.

"Dad says goats attract Wrackspurts."

"It's not a goat Luna, it's a llama," said Hermione irritably.

"A llama?" said Luna, her eyes widening. "I've heard they're--" she began, but Harry cut her off.

"Yes, that's ... fine Luna, look, Hermione, can't it stay in your dormitory instead?"

"What? No way," said Hermione briskly. "Besides, Dumbledore said it should be in your dorm, as you've made a ..." she looked at Ron, "bond ... with it."

Harry and Ron glared at her again but said nothing.

"Maybe you should just put it out the window?" Luna suggested dreamily. "I've heard that some llamas can fly. Well, they're not really llamas, they're called Flambongs I think. They're really rare though."

She floated back to the Ravenclaw table.

"I wouldn't mind throwing it out the window," said Ron gloomily.

"Don't say that, Ron!" said Hermione. "We still need to figure out what it's doing here!"

"I can tell you what, it's here to eat my homework, that's what!"

"You're so—" began Hermione, but Harry interrupted.

"Look, I agree that we shouldn't throw the thing out the window, but does it _have _to stay in our dorm?"

"Yes," said Hermione firmly, "I doubt Lavender and Parvarti would agree to have a llama in ours. I don't think we should discuss this anymore," she added, as Ron opened his mouth to argue, "we need to go or we'll be late for Potions."

They got up, grabbed their bags (Ron's wasn't very heavy) and left the Great Hall for the dungeons. They arrived outside the Potions classroom just in time, as Snape opened the door a second later. The students filed in and the Trio sat down at their usual tables in the back.

"I am going to collect your essays now," said Snape, as they had settled down. "I hope this is better than the last time, I don't want to be giving out anymore D's."

His eyes lingered on Harry, who knew perfectly well that it wasn't true. Snape would love to give all the Gryffindors – and especially Harry – a D each, even more a T, but unfortunately for him, the Gryffindors had Hermione and there was no way she was getting a D and much less a T.

Just before Snape reached their table, he remembered--

"Your essay, Weasley," sneered the greasy-haired professor.

"I don't have it," said Ron. Snape smirked his usual I'm-evil-and-smarter-than-you-and-now-you-will-die-or-get-a-detention-smirk.

"Is that so?" he said. "Mr Weasley, I think I recall telling this class that if you do not do your homework, you would get deten--"

"I did do it but the llama ate it!" said Ron angrily.

Snape opened his mouth to reply, then, realising what Ron had just said, closed it again. He blinked.

"The who did what?"

"The llama ate my essay!" Ron repeated.

"The llama ate your essay? What llama?"

"The one in our dormitory!"

"You have a llama in your dormitory?" asked Pansy Parkinson from Slytherin, her usual pig-like expression missing as she stared blankly at Ron.

"Yeah, it's true, it ate my essay too!" said Harry.

"And-- and m-my quills!" said Neville, looking uncertainly at Snape.

"And my--" Dean began but was silenced but a raised hand from Snape. His smirk had returned.

"I don't know what you're playing at, but it is not going to convince me," he said.

"You can go look for yourself!" said Harry, annoyed. "Or we'll go get it and bring it down here!"

"Very well," said Snape, looking grim. "Bring it. But be warned – if you do not return with this _animal_ before the end of the class, you will find yourselves in detention on every Saturday until Christmas."

Harry and Ron left the classroom, fuming, to get the llama.

"I hope it eats Snape's hair," said Ron savagely as they walked. "That way Snape'll look even uglier and the llama'll probably get food poisoning."

"I can't wait to see the look on his face when we actually bring a llama," said Harry. They walked for ten minutes (it is a big castle, you know) before they reached the entrance to the Gryffindor common room.

"J. K. Rowling," said Harry, and the Fat Lady swung forwards.

They went in and were shocked to see the llama standing, not in their dormitory, but on a chair in the middle of the common room, chewing on something they didn't know what was. And, quite frankly, they did not want to know.

When the llama saw them, it started bouncing again.

"Looks like its happy to see us," said Ron blankly, staring at the llama which was now apparently attempting to hit the ceiling.

"How come it's down here?" asked Harry.

He walked cautiously over to it. The bouncing didn't stop but it fell considerably in height.

"Dunno," said Ron. "Maybe someone forgot to close the door."

"Neville," said Harry, but they both agreed it was better this way. The shorter way they had to go, the better.

How they managed to get a bouncing llama all the way from Gryffindor Tower to the dungeons was almost as big a mystery as the llama's sudden appearance the day before. But somehow they suddenly found themselves standing outside the Potions classroom. They knocked.

"Yes?" they heard Snape's voice say. They opened the door slowly.

Snape had his back turned, but the rest of the class was looking at the entering Boy-Who-Lived, ginger-haired side-kick and llama, the Slytherins with big eyes.

"What the ..." said Malfoy. Crabbe screamed. The llama look at him, then ran over to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle and starting chewing on their table.

"Why's it chewing on the table it Crabbe's scared of it?" Harry muttered to Ron.

"Dunno," said Ron, shrugging. "Llama logic I s'pose."

Snape appeared to be in shock. He was staring wide-eyed at the llama as if he had never seen one before. Which, Harry thought, could actually be the case. After a couple of minutes Snape shook his head, then mumbled something about "resign before the insanity takes over". Then he adressed the class, which mostly, like him, was still looking at the chewing llama.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor," he said, not removing his eyes from the llama.

There was an instant uproar from the Gryffindors, but the Slytherins didn't seem to be able to distract themselves from the llama long enough to laugh as they usually did.

"For what?" asked Ron.

"Your llama is eating my table, Mr Weasley," sneered Snape, tearing his eyes away to glare at Ron. "Class dismissed. Now get that thing out of here before I take another fifty points."

Harry, Ron and Hermione hurried over to the llama. As soon as it saw Ron, it started bouncing again. Herimone giggled.

"Honestly," said Ron. "What's wrong with that thing?"

"I think it likes you," said Hermione.

It seemed like it would be hard to get the llama out of the room since it was bouncing so high, so Harry tried a different approach. He looked at the llama, then pointed to the door. The llama stared at Harry for a second, then ran out so fast it looked like a brownish blur. Then it stopped in the corridor and started bouncing again.

"This is just too weird," muttered Harry.

***

Late in the afternoon, not long before dinner, Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in their usual comfy chairs by the fire.

"Shouldn't we call it something?" Hermione asked the other two.

"Huh?"

"The llama, Ron! I mean, we can't just call it 'the llama' or 'that bloody goat' all the time, can we?"

"I suppose not," said Harry. "What should we call it then?"

"How about 'Aladdin'?" suggested Hermione.

"'Aladdin'?" said Ron incredulously. "What kind of a name is that?"

"Oh, it's a Muggle story Ron, about a guy who has a magic lamp and a flying carpet and--"

"Last time I checked it wasn't flying on any carpets," said Ron.

"You come up with a name then," she said, offended.

"How about 'Steak'?" said Ron hopefully.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"What, it might be good for--"

"What about 'Bob'?" suggested Harry before Ron and Hermione started shouting at each other.

They considered it.

"Works for me," said Ron.

"I can live with it," agreed Hermione.

"Agreed, then, " said Harry. "Bob the Llama."

"Wait," said Hermione suddenly. "What if it's a girl?"

"It's a girl?" asked Ron, confused.

"I'm not saying it _is _a girl, I'm just saying that we don't know--"

"Can't it still be Bob?"

"Bob for a girl, Ron?"

"Why not?" said Harry. "You can call people pretty much anything, and this is a llama!"

"But if it's a girl, won't others make fun of it?" said Hermione, looking concerned.

"Hermione, I don't think it's going to meet any other llamas nearby," said Ron. Hermione glared at him. "Let's just call it Bob, okay?"

She sniffed haughtily, then said "Fine."

"Okay," said Ron. "Now let's go eat, I can't live with tables and hair like Bob. And much less my own ..."

His stomach rumbled loudly. Harry laughed and Hermione rolled her eyes. Again.

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_Hay, so, um. Yes. PLEASE REVIEW. I love reviews, which is just about what every fanfic write says. And lately, I have come to understand the obsession. OMG, I'm watching Philosopher's Stone right now and they're just SO CUTE, especially Rupert :D AND RICHARD HARRIS IS JUST SO MUCH MORE AWESOME DUMBLEDORE THAN GAMBON (though he was okay in HBP), OMG I WUV U! :D rip. :(_

_anywho. I hope you like Bob's name. I've always wanted a llama, and I've always wanted it to be named Bob. I'm livin' my dream through the Trio you know. Aaaaanyway. Review and get ready for **Chappie 4: The What?! **which will introduce you to a new, original character and more llamaness! :D_


	4. The What?

_Hey. Remember when I said that I wanted to update like twice a week? lol yeah, not so much. Been busy. School. Just came back from this trip thing and I'm SO tired, it was raining and we were sleeping in tents and my shoes are ruined-- kk, if you want the full story of my life, you can just PM me or something x) Anyway. Here's chappie 4, with a new original character 'n all. I hope you like the OC. If not ... well, we'll get to that later. (-- zomg see what I just did there?)_

**- CHAPPIE 4: THE WHAT?! -**

Almost a week after Bob's strange and sudden appearance, it was Friday afternoon. Well, not that that's such an unusual thing, we have them every week – but this Friday afternoon was a very different Friday afternoon for our three heroes. They had never before experienced a Friday afternoon where they knew there was a llama named Bob in Harry and Ron's dormitory, you see. It was not something that happened very often. Not even at Hogwarts.

So on this fine Friday aftenoon, Harry, Ron and Hermione – also known as the Trio, or to Snape as 'that bloody Potter and his bloody gang' – were on their way back from Transfiguration, the last lesson of the strangest week in their life so far, to drop off their bags before going to dinner.

"Ahh, weekend," said Ron, closing his eyes. "Is there anything better after a week like this?"

"We've still got loads of homework to do, Ron!" said Hermione disapprovingly. "We've got homework in Potions, Charms, Transfiguration and History of Magic and you and Harry haven't even started on _any_ of it yet!"

"_Why_ must you ruin _everything, _Hermione?" said Ron, opening his eyes and scowling. "Besides, I _did _start on my Charms essay but Bob ate it!"

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"You can't use Bob as an excuse every time, what will it be next? 'Sorry Mum but Bob ate your letter before I could read it so I couldn't answer'?"

"Hey, you leave my Mum out of this! And besides, the reason I didn't answer that letter was because _you_ insisted that I had to study! Anyway, it's not an excuse, I'm telling the tru--"

"Guys?" said Harry from somewhere behind them.

Ron and Hermione stopped walking and turned around to look at him. They looked like they had only just realised he was there. Which was probably true.

"What?" asked Ron.

"Oh, nothing," said Harry, looking like he would burst out laughing any second. "I just felt like letting you know that you've passed the common room."

He pointed to his right where the portrait of the Fat Lady was hanging. Ron and Hermione blushed and hurried inside the common room with a laughing Harry. But what they saw in there made him stop quickly.

The room was full of other Gryffindors. That was of course a perfectly normal thing on a Friday afternoon just before dinner. What wasn't normal for a Friday was that the Gryffindors were all happily feeding paper to a llama that was standing in the middle of everything. Harry suspected that most of the paper was homework.

"Oi!" shouted Ron over the noise of the students. What's Bob doing down here?"

Everyone turned around and, seeing the Trio, they hurried off to somewhere else, avoiding their eyes. Hermione gave everyone who had been feeding Bob homework a very stern look, which they ignored.

"He was here when we came in Ron, honestly!" Seamus told them. "Someone must've forgotten to close the door again."

They all looked at Neville.

"I wans't the last one to leave," he said. "That was Ron! Remember, we had to shout at him to wake him up, he was so fast asleep!"

"Well, I closed the door! You remember, don't you Harry? You left with me."

Harry noddded.

"Yeah, you closed the door."

"Then someone must've opened it," said Dean, looking around. The ones that were left in the common room pretended to be busy with something else (mostly to avoid Hermione) or hastily left for dinner.

"Doesn't matter," said Harry. "Let's just take him back."

He, Ron and Hermione managed to push a very reluctant llama up the stairs, though not without difficulty, as he was in the middle of chewing a piece of parchment signed _Dean Thomas_ and Bob did not like to be disturbed whilst eating.

"Thank you _so _much for helping us, everybody!" shouted Ron before slamming the door.

He turned to Harry and Hermione.

"How did the bloody thing get out if nobody opened the door?"

"Maybe he opened it himself?" suggested Harry.

"But we tied him to the bathroom door! He's not _that_ smart."

"Does it really matter anyway?"

"I think it might, Harry," said Hermione wisely. "Maybe it'll lead us to who brought him here!"

"I honestly don't think it'll make any difference," said a voice from behind them. The Trio turned around and saw a girl they had never seen before, much less in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory, standing in the doorway.

She looked like she was slightly younger than them, had brown hair and hazel eyes and was wearing Muggle clothing. They hadn't noticed her enter the room.

"Who're you?" asked Ron rather rudely.

"Now now, speak nicely," she said. "Respect the Author, you'll only get in trouble if you don't."

"The Au-- What?"

"The Author, my dear Ronald," she said, taking a step into the room. "The all-knowing Author!"

The Trio stared at the girl in disbelief.

"The Author?" said Hermione incredulously.

"Yes, the Author. I'm all-knowing and stuff. It's really helpful, you know. Well, you _do _know of course ..."

The Trio kept staring at her. She looked back at them with an expression of mild interest and a hint of amusement.

"So, umm ... Author," began Harry with noticable scepticism. "What do you mean about it not making any difference?"

"Well, I just meant that I know who let Bob out, and it's got nothing do with who brought him here, much less why he's here."

"Who did it, then?" asked Hermione excitedly.

"Well, that was me," she answered. The Trio glared angrily at her. "What? Oh, come on guys, you can't keep a llama up here, it's no wonder he's been eating all your stuff!"

"What? How d'you know that?" asked Ron. "You're not a Gryffindor!"

"Well, as I said, being all-knowing does have its uses ..."

"Well then you'll know why Bob's here too, wouldn't you? And who brought him here?" asked Hermione impatiently.

"Of course I do! All-knowing does include llama facts after all," the Author said.

The Trio exchanged excited looks and, being all-knowing (and stuff), the Author noticed.

"Oh, but I'm not going to tell you, it'd ruin all the fun! Then the story would be over now and you wouldn't get to go on an adventure, which of course is the plot of almost every story in this wonderful universe."

The Trio looked angry and confused. The Author shrugged.

"Fine, be that way. But you're gonna figure it out sometime, trust me. Besides, it's not like Bob's that bad, he's a llama! Who doesn't love llamas?"

Ron looked ready to kill by now.

"Oh, don't look at me like that, Ronald," she said. "You'll learn to love me." She winked at him, then said, "Well, I must be going. I've got loads to do. See you!"

Then she walked out, humming "Jingle Bells".

"Merlin she was annoying," said Ron, looking frustrated.. "I'll bring a bat or something if she comes back."

"You don't think she could be the one who brought Bob here in the first place?" asked Harry.

They considered it for a while.

"No, I don't think it could be her," said Hermione thoughtfully. "She said that whoever let him out had nothing to do with who brought him here, and I think she was telling the truth."

"How can you believe her?" asked Ron. "She's raving! She's like a young, female Dumbledore or something!"

Hermione rolled her eyes again.

The Trio tied Bob very safely to the bathroom door, then went down to dinner. They joined Dean, Seamus and Neville at the Gryffindor table (Hermione gave Dean a very disapproving look but he didn't notice).

"Did you guys figure out who let him out?" asked Seamus.

"Nah, but it doesn't really matter," said Ron, looking hungrily at the food. "Not now, anyway, I'm starving." And he attacked the mashed potatoes.

The boys laughed and Hermione rolled her eyes as usual.

***

After dinner, the Trio was on their way back to the common room

"I don't think I'll survive the weekend," said Ron gloomily as they walked. "So much homework and a llama to take care of. Honestly, we should see if we could get someone else to take it. I hate waking up every morning to a llama that's trying to eat me."

"We've discussed this Ron," said Hermione impatiently, "Dumbledore said it should--"

"Be in our dormitory, yes, I _know_ Hermione, but I'm starting to wonder if he said it just because he found it funny."

"Dumbledore wouldn't do that," said Harry, though he was beginning to doubt this statement himself. He could well imagine that Dumbledore found it amusing to let five sixteen-year old boys take care of a llama.

"You don't think _he_ might've been the one?" asked Ron. "You know, who brought Bob here? He's crazy enough all right. He and that author girl should really get together sometime, they could start a club ..."

"Well, Dumbledore might be a bit ... strange," said Hermione, "but he wouldn't do something like that."

"If you say so," mumbled Ron, but he sounded entirely unconvinced.

They reached the common room entrance – Ron and Hermione actually stopping this time – and were happy to see that Bob wasn't there. They sat down in their favourite chairs by the fire.

"Should we start on our homework?" asked Harry.

"Better get it over with," sighed Ron, standing up again. "I'll get your bag too, mine's not that heavy anyway."

It took him quite a long time. After ten minutes he came back, breathing heavily.

"About time, we--" began Harry, then noticed the look of horror on Ron's face.

"What's wrong?" asked Hermione.

"Bob's gone."

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_dun dun duuuh! Omg, I can do cliffhangers too! So, that original character! Charming young lass, eh? lol Kk, so if you don't like her (/me lol), tune out now 'cause she's gonna come back. If you do, please let me know. Idk why I felt the need to put myself in this story. I guess I've just read too many author-in-own-story fanfictions (you'll be surprised at how many there are) and liked them. Or maybe I just like the spotlight. :D:D  
_

_anywho. I hope to update soon again, but in the meantime, could you PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE PWETTY PLEASE review? 'Cause you know how reviews just make you all happy? I ruined my awesome shoes, I need reviews! :(_

_Kk, so please review and get ready for the next **Chappie 5: Finding Bob** (which is not a parody of Finding Nemo tyvm, though that's an awesome movie) which will include the return of everyone's favourite head- and Potions master!  
_


	5. Finding Bob

_Hallo. All you awesome people. Who are currently reading this story. I present to you: a new chapter. öö My gawd. I know. Anyway. It is now September! Which means it's almost my birthday! :D Only five more days =) okay, so I won't bore you w/ that. Just read the chappie :D I hope you like it! Well, I'll see you by the end of the chappie. Or maybe earlier? öö ooh. The excitement grows... :D  
_

**- CHAPPIE 5: FINDING BOB -**

"_Bob's gone."_

Harry and Hermione looked at Ron in shock.

"Are you ... are you sure, Ron?" asked Harry. "He's not just hiding somewhere?"

"He's a bloody llama, he can't just crawl under our beds!" said Ron. "Besides, I checked and he's definitely not in the dormitory, and if he was in any other dorms someone would have told us by now. Someone's taken him! I'll bet it was that author girl, it was her earlier. I'll got get a bat ..."

"Take it easy, Ron," said Hermione, holding Ron back. "I'm sure he's here somewhere. If he's not in Gryffindor Tower then he'll be somewhere else in the castle."

"But the castle's huge!" Ron groaned.

"Let's go to Dumbledore, then," said Harry.

The other two agreed, and they left, looking out for any signs of a loose llama on their way. But they saw none and were soon standing outside the entrance to Dumbledore's office.

Well, that is to say, they stood facing the gargoyle guarding the entrance to Dumbledore's office.

"How're we supposed to get in now?" said Harry irritably. "Really, I spend half my time here, he ought to tell me the passwords ..."

"Weren't you guys here on Sunday?" asked Ron, looking confused. "You got in, right? How'd you do that without a password?"

Harry and Hermione looked at each other.

"How _did_ we get in?"

"I ... I don't remember ..." said Hermione, looking utterly perplexed. "We must have guessed the password or something."

"How?"

"Well, Dumbledore made it," said Harry slowly. "So it's probably something Dumbledore likes."

"Sherbet Lemons ... ?" tried Hermione. The gargoyle didn't move. "Well, it would've been too easy ..."

"Acid Pops then?" Harry tried. It didn't work either.

They tried again. And again. And again. They tried with various sweets and even tried "Minerva McGonagall", but when nothing had happened after ten minutes, Ron shouted,

"HOW'RE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND THAT BLOODY LLAMA IF WE—"

He stopped abruptly. The gargoyle had moved at the word 'llama'. The Trio gawked disbelieving at the entrance until it said, in an annoyed tone,

"Hello? Are you going to stand there and look stupid all day? I can't stay here forever now, can I? I'm supposed to stay _there_ forever, not here ..."

Our heroes hurried up the stairs. Harry knocked.

"Enter," said Dumbledore's voice. They did so.

Dumbledore was sitting behind his desk, knitting a new pair of socks, this time with llama patterns. He looked up.

"Ah, to what do I owe this pleasure?" he asked, smiling. Ron explained.

"Bob – I mean, the llama, is gone sir, we can't find him anywhere and--"

He stopped speaking as someone knocked on the door.

"Enter," said Dumbledore again.

The door burst open and Severus Snape walked in, looking absolutely furious. When he saw the Trio, he looked like he would explode any second.

"Oh my, Severus," said Dumbledore calmly. "Why the temper?"

"That _llama_ is eating my desk!" Snape spat out angrily. "And it's their fault!"

He pointed to Harry, Ron and Hermione, looking murderous.

"Our fault?" Harry burst out angrily. "How's it our fault?"

"It is your _llama_, Potter!"

He sounded like the word 'llama' tasted disgusting.

"Bob's not ours, he just lives in our dorm!" said Ron hotly.

"Now now, let us not get carried away," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling and looking slighly amused. "Let's go to Severus's office and get the llama back upstairs again."

He gestured to the door and Snape stamped out, followed by the Trio and Dumbledore. They walked in silence, Dumbledore humming a song that nobody knew.

When they reached Snape's office, Snape walked in, still fuming, and the others followed. And sure enough, there was Bob, chewing on Snape's desk.

"See?" Snape said stiffly, pointing to the llama.

Bob looked up at the sound of Snape's voice and, seeing the Trio, ran around the desk and tried to hide.

"What's he doing?" asked Ron, looking confused. "Why's he hiding?"

"I would assume that he is fearing the way you may react to his break-out, Mr Weasley," said Dumbledore, looking amused at the sight of Bob attempting to hide while still trying to eat the desk. "Which is quite understandable. After all, you _did_ lock him safely up in your dormitory, did you not?" He looked at Ron over his glasses.

"Wha-- yeah, of course we did!" said Ron. "We've no idea how he got out!"

"You don't think it could be that ... that author girl again?" asked Hermione.

At that very moment, the door opened.

"I am shocked!" said a familiar voice.

"Oh no, not again ..." groaned Ron.

They turned around and, as Harry, Ron and Hermione had already guessed, there was the Author once again, looking rather offended.

"Suspecting me?" she said, appalled. "Why would you do that?"

"I wonder why," mumbled Harry, rolling his eyes.

"Have I not been anything but nice to-- Oh!" She broke off in mid-sentence upon seeing Snape and Dumbledore, looking rather confused at the sight of her. "Mr Dumbledore, Mr Snapey, didn't see you there," she said, bowing to the two professors, which made Snape look at her with disgust and Dumbledore with polite interest.

"May I ask who you are, Miss?" asked Dumbledore.

"Well, I would have hope you might now, but of course you may. I am the Author. Great and all-knowing and stuff. And I did not," she said, turning to the Trio, "let Bob out this time."

"The Author?" asked Snape incredulously.

"Yes yes, I'm the Author! Merlin's Beard, what does an Author have to do to get some respect around here?"

Snape continued to look at her with scepticism.

"But if you didn't let Bob out," said Hermione, "then what're you doing here?"

"Well, I was actually looking for something to eat, but it appears I'm too late for dinner, and the house-elves aren't really that fond of me at the moment," she said. "They're mad because they're not in the story, you see. But," she went on firmly as Hermione opened her mouth, "then it turned out that you guys had lost Bob so I thought I would go look at it."

"So you didn't let him out?" asked Harry.

"No."

"Then who did?"

"Didn't you get the message last time? I'm not helping, that'd make it too easy! I'm trying to capture the gist of Mrs Rowling, you see ... Anyway, I must go. I hope your desk will recover, Snapey" she added.

"That," said Snape, looking murderous once again, "is none of your business."

The Author shook her head.

"My dear Snapey, _everything _is my business," she said. "Unless you'd like to find yourself wearing nothing but your late grandmother's old underpants."

Snape blushed and glared angrily at her.

"I don't like you," was all he managed to say, though Harry was sure he had been about to take fifty points from Gryffindor.

"Now, there's a surprise. Anyway, I'll see you guys later, don't you miss me too much – especially you, Ron!"

She winked at Ron again (Hermione looked rather angry though she tried to hide it) and left.

"I knew I should've brought a bat," mumbled Ron.

"Professor?" said Harry, looking at Dumbledore.

"You don't think it could be ... him? I mean, Voldemort" - Ron jumped - "who brought Bob here, do you? I mean, Bob isn't exactly easy ..."

"Well, I won't lie Harry, the idea has occured to me as well, but I would be surprised if it was him," said Dumbledore. "I would expect Voldemort's attacks to be slightly more, er ... dangerous. Though I will not rule out the possibility."

Harry glanced at Bob who was now licking the underside of Snape's desk and he had to agree with Dumbledore. It seemed rather ridiculous that Voldemort would send a llama to Hogwarts in an attempt to defeat his enemies. Nevertheless, Bob had not exactly proven to be easy to handle, and he could still have hidden powers, though Harry rather doubted it.

"I advise that you bring Bob back to your common room and try not to search too much for the people who are responsible for bringing him to this castle and letting him out of your dormitory tonight."

The Trio walked back to Gryffindor Tower with Bob, who appeared to be very relieved that he had received no punishment and was bouncing happily along next to them. All the way they wondered who was guilty in this whole mystery.

Was it someone they knew? If then, who was it? Was it a stranger? Or had Bob maybe arrived by himself? Was the Author lying and guilty? Or was it actually Voldemort?

Actually, Lord Voldemort had plans. Big plans, as a matter of fact. But they did not involve a llama.

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_So yes. He was at Snape's. Can you imagine how I felt when Memories Left Abandoned guessed it? :b lol, okay so I guess it's quite an obvious choice x) Oh, btw, Hello-again931 asked this question: _"What I don't understand is the how Hagrid's projects were dangerous like cheese...??". _My answer is - cheese is dangerous! If it's all ewish, I'm sure it can start moving and kill and. Stuff. So okay, it's just because I'm not a big fan of cheese :D_

_So I hope you liked this chappie - I'm so glad that I only got positive reviews about me being in the story! :) - and I hope you will review :D:D because then you're awesome. Totally awesome. Anyway. Review svp, and get ready for **Chappie 6: Authors, Letters and Snorcacks **where we will meet with everybody's favourite Dark Lord and his very intelligent Death Eaters! :D  
_


	6. Authors, Letters and Snorkacks

_HALLO. :D In honour of my birthday (:D:D), I give you now, the next chappie :D I am sooo glad you guys review, you are awesome! :D:D well. I shall return with some author's notes at the end of the chappie. :)_

**- CHAPPIE 6: AUTHORS, LETTERS AND SNORKACKS - **

Lord Voldemort. You-Know-Who. He Who Must Not Be Named. The Dark Lord. Yes, Voldemort had many names. Well, of course those names weren't all – his real name was Tom Riddle. But that name only reminded him of his stupid (and dead) Muggle father. He didn't like that name. No, he prefered to be known as 'Lord Voldemort', although he did want people to fear this name and therefore not speak it.

On this day, he was sitting in his tent in his Death Eater camp. His tent was very fancy. He liked fancy stuff. It made him seem like he was better than everyone else. Which was the truth.

So on this day he was feeling evil, as usual. Very evil. His evilness was unlimited actually. Well, the height of his evilness had been when he had gone out to kill the Potters. That was, of course, also the day he had where the smallest Potter had put a halt to his evilness. Which was annoying. It still bothered him immensely that he was still alive. And Dumbledore. He hated both of them. Why didn't _they_ die when he, Lord Voldemort, tried to kill them? Why were _they_ still alive, after all this time?

But that was about to change. Well, he hoped so. It wasn't easy, being so evil and having such stupid followers – also known as the Death Eaters.

"My Lord?" said a voice from the entrance. Voldemort looked up.

"What is it, Bella?" he asked the woman.

"We have found someone you might find interesting."

Voldemort followed Bellatrix outside. Lucius Malfoy and Yaxley were holding a young girl in a firm grip. She couldn't be more than sixteen years old.

"And why," sneered Voldemort, "would I find this interesting? Where did you find her?"

"In the camp, my Lord," answered Lucius. "She was lurking about, looking for something."

"And what was that?" asked Voldemort.

They all looked at the girl. It seemed that she had drifted into her own world. Then she suddenly noticed that everyone was looking at her, shook her head and said,

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Why were you in my camp?" asked Voldemort. She didn't seem scared. _A Muggle then ..._

"Oh, me? I was just looking for something to eat, you know," she said conversationally. "Molly wouldn't let me have any either, just like those house-elves. I swear, no respect _at all_ ..."

"Some-- something to eat?" Yaxley asked incredulously.

"You're lying!" shrieked Bellatrix, pointing her wand at the girl, who did not seem to care much.

"Nah, really, it's really amazing what a girl has to do to get something to eat, those house-elves at Hogwarts wanted to be in the--"

"AHA!" Bellatrix shouted triumphantly. "You're a spy, for Dumbledore!"

The Death Eaters started whispering excitedly.

"Quiet!" said Voldemort. The Death Eaters followed his command instantly. "Who are you?" he asked the girl, red eyes narrowed.

"Me? Merlin's Beard, I'm the _Author!_" she said, sounding frustrated. "People should know that – I made this camp and your fancy tent, I could take it back anytime!"

Everyone stared at her.

"The Author?"

"Yes, dear Voldy, I am the Author," she said. "Apparently you're not as all-knowing as you like to believe ..."

Voldemort's pale face seemed to blush slightly out of anger.

"Lock her up somewhere," he snarled. "I'm too busy to deal with scum like this right now."

"Hey!" the girl yelled as Malfoy and Yaxley started dragging her away. "You don't lock up the Author, you can't do that, I'll-- Wait ..." She thought for a second. "You _can't_ do that." She shrugged. "Well, it's my story ..." And then she was gone.

"WHERE IS SHE?!" yelled Bellatrix, pointing her wand around the camp, but the girl was nowhere to be seen.

"Never mind it, Bella," sneered Voldemort, still in a slightly bad temper. "Even if she was a spy, she has seen nothing of importance."

In truth, he was just glad she was gone. Dead or not. He did not like people – especially young girls – who weren't scared of him, or called him 'Voldy'.

He went back into his tent. He had no time for so unimportant things such as this. No, he had to concentrate on his plan, his evil, genious, brilliant plan ...

A week ago, his Death Eaters had actually proven themselves useful. They had caught a man who had gotten – by accident, of course – too close to the camp, so the Death Eaters had brought him to Voldemort. At first he had seemed to be most unimportant, but after turning him into a goat and modifying his memory (Voldemort was starting to find the whole killing thing rather boring and unoriginal), Voldemort had searched his bag to see if he was carrying anything of interest. A thousand pictures of unknown people who fled from their frames at the sight of Voldemort (which made him smile slightly and feel very, very evil), Spellotape, food, all kinds of wizarding stuff – and then, he had found an edition of a magazine called _the Quibbler._

Voldemort had given it a look and had come across an article about a kind of creature called the 'Crumple-Horned Snorkacks'. And, judging by what he had read, they seemed like a perfect ally to the Dark Side.

According to the article, they were only found in Sweden, so Voldemort had sent a team of less important Death Eaters out to find them. So far, they had heard nothing from Sweden. But since Voldemort had ordered them not to come back without an army of Snorkacks, that was no surprise. The magazine had also said that they were not easy to find, so he would have to wait patiently for them to return.

A voice broke his thoughts again.

"My Lord?"

It was Bellatrix again.

"What now, Bella?"

"My Lord, Snape's owl has just arrived," she said with a hint of disgust in her voice.

Bellatrix still did not trust Snape, which was foolish of course. If he was untrustworthy, why would Voldemort trust some of his most important tasks to him? No, Snape was definitely his most trustworthy Death Eater, and the smartest one as well. Dumbledore still believed him to be a spy for him. The old fool was, well, foolish when it came to things like this.

Snape was required to send a letter every week, telling Voldemort about any news at Hogwarts, as it might help him with his plans to attack the school.

Bellatrix handed Voldemort a dark envelope and he opened the letter and read:

_Dear Dark Lord,_

_Nothing interesting at Hogwarts at the moment, except for a_

_llama which turned up in the Gryffindor common room last Sunday._

_Not even Dumbledore knows what it is doing here. Of course Potter and_

_his obnoxious friends are involved with this. They brought the thing to _

_my class, which resulted in it eating my tables. It seems to like __that, as _

_it came back again this very afternoon to chew on my desk._

_I think Potter is suspecting you to be behind all this. He always _

_was a fool, just like his father._

_Also, a very strange and annoying girl turned up, claiming to be_

_'the Author'. I don't like her. I think she might be the one behind all this._

_Either way, she makes me want to jump off the Astronomy Tower._

_Snape._

Voldemort stared at the letter in disbelief. Had Snape gone mad? Was this a joke? A llama?! But no, Snape knew better than to mess with Lord Voldemort.

"My Lord?" said Bellatrix uncertainly.

"Leave me, Bella," said Voldemort, still staring at the letter.

She left the tent, bowing.

Voldemort leaned back in his fancy chair. Then he laughed. He laughed at the thought of Dumbledore and Potter attempting to handle a table-eating llama, while they really should be busy preparing for Lord Voldemort's next attack.

And of course, Voldemort was not behind all this. A llama. The thought was ridiculous. There was no way a llama would help him in his attempts to take over the wizarding world. Unlike the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Which was why his plan was so brilliant.

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_Mwahaha. :D This time Memories Left Abandoned did NOT guess correctly! lol. But I promise, you shall see Luna again, but I'm afraid it won't be until a few chappies. She is my favourite character, you know :D  
_

_Anywho. So. I hope you liked this chappie! Thank you for the awesome reviews so far. Now, since it's my birthday today, would you give me a birthday present and review? :D:D It's my sweet sixteen! :D So I am now allowed to ride a moped here in Denmark. But. I won't. Lol. I have had a most awesome birthday though. So you guys could just help me make it even more awesome :D even if you don't review just today.  
_

_Aaaaaanyharry. I'm rambling again. What I'm trying to say is: PLEASE REVIEW AND MAKE ME HAPPY :D And get ready for the next chappie: **Chappie 07: Where Did Everything Go?. **INTRUIGING, ISN'T IT? WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO VENTURE A GUESS AS TO WHAT IS IN THIS CHAPPIE? :D:D Oh yes, I do like quoting HP at random. Who doesn't ... _

_ANYWAY. PLEASE REVIEW, KTHNXBAI :D  
_


	7. Where Did Everything Go?

_I know, I know, it's been a week. School is really bad :(:( And now I've gotten some kind of flu (though not the swine one, hopefully :b) ... but maybe that'll give me more time to write? öö Who knows? :) This chappie is longer than the other ones though, so I hope you'll forgive me :b_

_Thanks for all the birthday wishes! :) You guys are awesome :D_

_Anywho. I'll see you at the end of the chappie with some more rambling :)_

**- CHAPPIE 7: WHERE DID EVERYTHING GO? -**

On the Monday after Bob's detour to the dungeons (and Voldemort receiving Snape's letter), our three heroes were on their way to Care of Magical Creatures. They had just finshed lunch after a double lesson with Snape, being even more nasty to Harry, Ron and Hermione than usual – which was saying a lot. They did not doubt for one second that it was because of Bob. Ron was even angrier with the llama than ever before when they were finally allowed to leave the Dungeons. He was still going on about it when they were walking down to Hagrid's with the rest of the class.

"... wasn't _our_ bloody fault that the bloody thing turned up and decided to eat that git's table," he grumbled angrily. "How were we supposed to know it would do that? It's not normal!"

"Calm down, Ron," said Hermione, rolling her eyes. "Snape's not a fair teacher, he never has been."

"I know, but he's just worse than ever, and it's all that bloody animal's fault!"

"He's right, Hermione," Harry said dully. "He wasn't even that bad when Lupin was teaching."

"Are you talking about me?"

The Trio turned around and saw, to their surprise, that Remus Lupin was standing there, smiling.

"Well, kinda, but-- you know, not really, I-- What-- what're you doing here?" Harry blurted out.

"Well, Dumbledore believes Voldemort may be up to something," said Lupin grimly. "And he asked me to look a little bit into this whole llama business too."

"Can't you take Bob with you when you leave?" said Ron hopefully.

"Ron!" said Hermione indignantly. "The best place for Bob to be is obviously at Hogwarts!"

"Why?! All he can do is eat the whole bloody castle--"

"But we still don't know why he's here, don't you think it's best that he's here where Dumbledore--"

"Dumbledore's just having fun with leaving him to us, I'll bet--"

"He wouldn't—"

Harry turned to Lupin, who was looking amused at Ron and Hermione who kept arguing.

"They do that all the time," he said dully.

"They remind me of another two Hogwarts students I knew," said Lupin, smiling. "Anyway, I will have to go now. Dumbledore is waiting for me in his office. Say goodbye to them for me, will you? I expect I'll see you later, Harry."

"Yeah, see you."

Lupin left, leaving Harry alone with Ron and Hermione, who were now shouting very loudly at each other.

"RON, YOU ARE SO IMMATURE, I CAN'T BELIEVE--"

"OH YEAH? WELL JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT READING TEN BOOKS A DAY--"

"I DO NOT--"

"GUYS!"

Ron and Hermione broke off. They looked at Harry, both looking like they had forgotten he was there, then looked around, confused.

"Where's Lupin?" asked Ron.

"He left. He told me to say goodbye to you, he had to go see Dumbledore and you guys were arguing too much so he couldn't talk to you."

They blushed.

"Well, come on then," said Hermione, looking embarrased. "Let's-- let's go down to Hagrid's, we'll be late if we don't hurry."

They hurried down to Hagrid's, not speaking as Ron and Hermione were still very red in the face and Harry was fighting hard not to laugh. The rest of the class was already there when they got there, and a second after they arrived, Hagrid came out of his hut.

"Alrigh' class!" he said, beaming at them. "Let's get ter work! Follow me!"

He started walking and the class followed him, all expecting to go into the Forbidden Forest to look at some (though probably not in Hagrid's opinion) dangerous creature. However, Hagrid stopped walking much sooner than anyone expected, resulting in Dean and Seamus bumping into him and falling to the ground.

"Now, where's the bloody thing?" Hagrid mumbled to himself, looking around.

Harry suddenly felt something breathing down his neck. He turned around and saw, to his great surprise, that it was Bob, looking with something like uncertainty at him, Ron and Hermione.

"Blimey," said Ron, now having spotted Bob too. "What's he doing here?"

They turned to face Hagrid.

"Well, I thought he'd be an int'restin' subject!" he said happily, completely ignorant to their accusing stares. "Besides, yeh'll need ter know something' about llamas now yeh've go' one, eh?"

"But Hagrid, this is Care of _Magical_ Creatures!" said Hermione accusingly. "Llamas aren't magical!"

"Well," began Hagrid, now looking slightly uncomfortable, "who says non-magical creatures aren' int'restin'? Yeh're goin' ter take care of this guy for some time I expect, so yeh might as well learn somethin' about him!"

Harry, Ron and Hermione had to agree that they did indeed need to know a bit more about llamas, since even Hermione found Bob a mystery. They nodded. Hagrid beamed.

"Alrigh', class! Today we're goin' ter be studyin' llamas!"

There was a loud snort from the Slytherins.

"Why do _we_ have to study llamas?" asked Draco Malfoy. "We're not the ones who need to live with one, are we? If my father knew about this ..."

"Well, your father's busy being Voldemort's right hand, isn't he?" said Harry hotly.

There were loud gasps around the group when Harry said Voldemort's name. Harry rolled his eyes.

"_Doesn't anyone have anything to eat? I'm starving here!"_ came a shout from the trees.

Ron groaned.

"Really, I should have a bat in my bag ..."

"Who're you?" asked Malfoy in a very rude manner, looking the Author (for of course it was her) up and down, as though determining if she was worth his attention.

"Honestly, you people have _got_ to learn to be polite – don't your parents teach you manners?"

Hagrid cleared his throat.

"Uh, 'scuse me, but yeh're kinda interrupting my class," he said.

"Oh!" she said, her eyes widening. "I'm so sorry, I'll be going now – unless anoyone has any something to eat?"

Harry, Ron and Hermione glared at her.

"Apparently not," she sighed. "Really, I'm starving around here. It's not fair, it's my story! Well, I'll go ask Remus then ... Bye, Ronald."

She winked at Ron (this made Ron look even angrier) and left.

They spent the rest of the lesson studying Bob and learning everything Hagrid knew about llamas. Which wasn't much, to be honest, but since Bob kept bouncing and seemed incredibly excited to be outside, Harry, Ron and Hermione used most of the lesson trying to prevent him from bouncing off into the Forbidden Forest or jumping at other students in excitement. Not to mention keeping him away from Ron's hair.

Malfoy kept complaining loudly, but after a while even the Slytherins got tired of listening to him.

"This isn't a real lesson, though these lessons usually can't be quialified as 'school' anyway ... We never learn anything from that great oaf, I'll make sure to tell father about this ..."

And he went on and on like that, not realising that no one was listening.

But Malfoy's whining had given Harry an idea. He had been so busy with taking care of Bob, homework and his grumbling that he hadn't even thought of this before, but now it seemed like such an obvious thought ...

Malfoy had to know something. He just _had_ to know something about Voldemort, what he was up to – his father was a Death Eater after all, and Malfoy was of course a fan of Voldemort, and Lucius Malfoy would most certainly babble about his Lord's plans at home. Maybe Malfoy had even told the other Slytherins things about it. Lupin had said that Dumbledore thought Voldemort was up to something – surely it would involve one of his most devoted Death Eaters? And if Voldemort had anything to do with Bob, wouldn't there be a chance that Malfoy knew something? Maybe Malfoy was even part of Voldemort's plan – could he have been the one who put Bob there?

Harry was so absorbed in his own thoughts that when Bob suddenly took his glasses and started to eat them, he was so caught off guard that it took him a while to realise what was happening. And by that time it was already too late.

"Hey!" he shouted. "Let go!"

But Bob wasn't letting go. Well, at least Harry didn't think he was. Without his glasses, his sight was very blurred.

"Harry, he, er ..." said Ron's voice from behind him, sounding suspiciously much like he was fighting the urge to break out laughing. "He ate them, mate."

"I noticed," said Harry grumpily, turning around towards what looked like a black blob with red on top.

"I can hardly see anything," he mumbled, walking slowly forwards and falling over a root on the ground, which caused the whole class to laugh.

"Hey, that's not funny!" said Harry, trying to get up but failing. He turned his head towards what he was sure was Hermione, as it appeared to have a brown mop for a head. "Help," he pleaded miserably.

Hermione grabbed his hand and pulled him up, then grabbed his arm. A second later Harry felt another hand, which he guessed belonged to Ron, grab his other arm, and they began dragging him back to the castle.

After a while, in which Ron and Hermione argued loudly about whether it had been a good idea for Hagrid to bring Bob to his lesson (they actually agreed that it had been a bad idea, yet somehow they still managed to argue) and Harry ignored them, focusing hard on walking the right way, Harry saw another blob, this time more grey than black, walking towards them. When it came closer it started speaking.

"So she was right ..." it said with Lupin's voice. He sounded slightly amused, and Harry thought he was looking at him.

"Who was right?" Harry asked, looking at what he hoped was Lupin's face, but what was really a window in the castle next to it.

"That 'starving' girl told me you had lost your glasses, Harry."

"Oh, the Author," said Ron, sounding very little amused. "How did she know?"

"Well, I _am_ the _Author_, thank you very much."

The Author was now standing next to Lupin, carrying something Harry didn't know what was in her hand. He thought it looked a bit like a book maybe, but it was really a sandwhich.

"Oh, I convinced the house-elves to give me something to eat," she said, noticing that everybody was looking at her sandwhich. "Well, Dobby that is. So you can expect to see him around soon. Anyway, I must be going. I have to go-- oh, no I can't tell you that. Plot point. Well ... Bye guys. Ronald."

And she left, humming what Harry, Ron and Hermione recognised as the same song Dumbledore had been humming when they had been walking to the dungeons to get Bob back from Snape's office.

"Well, it was good to see you three," said Lupin. "But I will have to go now, there's work to be done for the Order. You be careful and try not to get into too much trouble. And get some new glasses," he added to Harry. "I'll see you later!"

"We should get back to Gryffindor Tower," said Hermione, and she and Ron grabbed Harry's arms again.

On their way through the castle Ron and Hermione started arguing again, this time about whether or not Lupin was allowed to tell them not to get into trouble when he had been a marauder in his time at Hogwarts and not exactly had a clean record (this time they actually disagreed). Harry ignored them again, just attempting to get up the stairs without tripping.

When they finally reached the common room, Ron lead Harry into a chair by the fire, and Harry was left to sit there, not daring to go anywhere, which gave him time to think about what had distracted him so much that he had been too late to realise that Bob had been eating his glasses.

Was it Malfoy who had let Bob in? He couldn't say he would be surprised – though it seemed rather strange that Voldemort would attack them with a llama, but they had no proof that it wasn't him, not to mention that they had no idea who else it could be. But if it wasn't Voldemort, what else was he up to? If Voldemort's plans had nothing to do with Bob, then what were they about?

"Er, Harry?" said Ron suddenly, sounding a bit uncertain. "Why're you staring at my hair?"

Harry, who had thought he had been looking into the fire, jumped in his chair.

"Oh, er. Sorry, I thought ..."

He turned his head and this time he actually did look at the fire. As he did so, he remembered what Dumbledore had said. _Try not to search too much for the people who are responsible for bringing him to this castle. _He could think about that later. Right now he needed some new glasses.

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_Poor Harry. Ah well, he's been through worse things than that. Like dating Cho. I don't like Cho ... Um. Anyway._

_So, as usual, I will ask you to review, please :D I do enjoy reviews. They make me happy. Oh, and btw, in case you guys were wondering, yes, I do love Ron, and I wish to marry Rupert Grint. :D:D:D:D_

_Oh, oh, and a thing I think I forgot to say last time. I apologise for the absent explanation for Lucius Malfoy being out of Azkaban. I guess Voldy just decided to break him and the other DEs out early, Idk :D:D I just needed a lot of important Death Eater names for something that'll happen soon in this story, so I just figured he might as well be out already. And since there are no Dementoids in Azkaban, it's not really hard for Voldy to break it open. So yah. :D lol I have to admit, there's probably a lotta important canon stuff that's just not in this story, because it doesn't really fit in. I mean, Harry could be really depressed about Sirius dying or something, but that would just make it all angsty, so I don't think it would fit into this story. Even though I love Sirius :'(:'(:'( rip.  
_

_So anyhwo. Siriusly, pleeeeeaaaaaseeee review, and get ready for the next chappie - **Chappie 8: Hermione's Bad Luck - **in which Hermione will be involved in a little accident, and Ron may or may not finally get to beat the Author (/me) up with a baseball bat._


	8. Hermione's Bad Luck

_... Yes, I am a very evil person. My bad health made my life so miserable that I could not even update. Alas. But I'm here now, so don't hate me please :D I don't have much to say now, except I'm sorry and hope you like this chappie :D_

**- CHAPPIE 8: HERMIONE'S BAD LUCK - **

Christmas moved closer, and snow covered Hogwarts castle and grounds. Two days before Christmas break, our three heroes were to be found in the Great Hall for breakfast with Hermione complaining loudly.

"... wish you would get a pair like the old ones, they looked so much better on you!" she said, looking irritably at Harry.

"Hermione, _these_ glasses are _cool,_" said Harry, rolling his eyes.

Harry had gotten new glasses a couple of days after Bob had eaten his old ones. He had been walking around for two days, falling over everything and gaining bruises on pretty much every part of his body. Then Ron and Hermione had gone to McGonagall to ask for permission to go to Hogsmeade and buy him a new pair of glasses, and as Harry had chosen just the right time to fall off his chair, hit his head on a desk and black out, McGonagall had agreed that it was probably a good idea. The Trio, Harry being lead by Ron, went to Hogsmeade and the boys fell instantly in love with the _'cool'_ glasses at once, claiming it must be their 'one day of good luck'.

His new glasses were nothing like his old ones. They were oval and silver, and looked a bit like the kind of sunglasses you usually see in music videos, except the glass wasn't dark and they were slightly smaller than most sunglasses. On the sides were the letters 'H' and 'P', which changed colour every once in a while, something Harry had charmed on.

Though most of the Gryffindor boys and a very small part of the girls thought they looked immensely cool, not everyone was that excited – especially not Hermione, who wasted no time in telling Harry to get rid of them, which was making Harry and Ron very annoyed. After almost two weeks, she was still going on about them.

"But Harry, those glasses are just not you at all, if you would just--"

"Hermione, they _are _cool!" said Ron irritably. "And would you just drop it, please?!"

Hermione glared angrily at him but said no more about Harry's new glasses, though she still did everything she could to make it very clear to Harry and Ron that she disliked them very much by refusing to look at Harry when they spoke to each other or shooting quick, angry looks at the glasses and rolling her eyes.

After breakfast they had Transfiguration. McGonagall explained to the class that today they were going to be turning each other into animals and back again, which McGonagall demonstrated by turning Parvarti into a poodle.

"... so everybody, find a partner and get to work!"

As Harry and Ron were both annoyed with Hermione for constantly talking about Harry's glasses, neither wanted to pair up with her, resulting in her ending up with Neville. Neville was, of course, thrilled to get Hermione, but she looked most unhappy.

It was very hard. You were supposed to pick an animal and keep thinking about it, then say the incantation _"Bestabeo,"_ which was supposed to transfigure your partner into your chosen animal. Then you said _"Bestalio,"_ and your partner should turn back into him- or herself.

All in all, it was a very entertaining lesson. For most of the class, anyway. No one was able to transfigure their partner into an animal – mostly they were just able to transfigure the ears, make a tail, even transfigure a whole body part (Seamus looked oddly misshaped when Dean had transfigured his right arm into the arm of a gorilla) – until Hermione, around the end of the lesson, succeded in turning Neville into a penguin.

"Good job, Granger," said professor McGonagall in a proud voice. "Ten points for Gryffindor."

Neville, looking very confused, was apparently attempting to walk but failing miserably and fell to the floor, flapping his wings wildly about as he tried to get back up. Hermione transfigured Neville back into himself, trying her best not to look too pleased with herself (though she too failed miserably).

But Neville suddenly had a strange, determined look on his face, and before Hermione even had the time to react, he shouted,

"_B-bestabeo!"_

There was a loud _bang!_ and a cloud of smoke suddenly rised around Hermione. When the smoke disappeared, they could see that Hermione was okay, though looking slightly disgruntled. However, as they looked closer they could see that she had grown brown llama ears and a brown, puffy llama tail.

"Oh, darn," said Neville, sounding slightly put out. "_Bestalio!"_

There was another _bang!_ and a cloud of smoke, but when the smoke cleared again, Hermione's ears and tail had merely turned white.

"It didn't work!" said Ron, mouth slightly open.

"We can see that, you _idiot!"_ said Hermione.

"Oh," said Ron. "Can you too? I mean, can you like, see your ears and your--"

"No Ron, but I can feel it!" said Hermione, looking slightly hysterical now. "You don't think it feels a bit abnormal on a human body?"

"I know that, what d'you think Harry did, feed me toilet paper?"

That question earned him several strange stares.

"Calm down, calm down," said professor McGonagall, pointing her want to Hermione. "_Bestalio!"_

There was a third _bang!_, more smoke and Hermione became visible again, ears and tail back to brown. Hermione let out a roar of frustration, tears of rage and desperation in her eyes, and turned to Neville, who stepped back in fear but was held beck by Hermione grabbing the front of his robes.

"_What did you do?!" _she shouted, looking slightly – no, very – mad.

Ron and Harry managed to get her away from Neville, who looked very terrified.

"I cannot figure out what you did, Longbottom," said McGonagall in a resigned voice, "but I suggest you do not attempt to transfigure anything again before you have been practising for a long time." She gave Neville a very stern look, then turned to Hermione. "In the mean time, I suggest you go to the Hospital Wing, miss Granger."

Hermione ran out of the classroom, obviously trying not to cry, though they heard her sob in the corridor.

"Now class, I need you to pay attention," said professor McGonagall. "Especially you two, Potter, Weasley, as I expect you to lead these news on to miss Granger."

That made Harry and Ron wear an expression that teachers rarely saw – they were listening.

"Now, the Headmaster has informed the staff that we will have visitors for Christmas. A very special guest and his companions will be arriving the day before Christmas eve, December 23rd. As Head of Gryffindor House, it is my duty to inform you that we will be having a feast for this guest on the day he arrives. At this feast, the Headmaster thought it fitting to have a show of some sort, a talent show I believe he called it." She glanced at Neville. "All students are allowed to enter this show. It is not a contest, merely a chance to prove yourselves. Mind you, you do not have to enter if you do not want to. I expect you not to embarass Gryffindor house, or Hogwarts in general. Class dismissed."

They left, talking excitedly about the forthcoming event.

"Who d'you reckon that special guest is?" Harry asked Ron, as they made their way to the Hospital Wing to see if Hermione was still part llama.

"Dunno," said Ron. "Probably some old bloke Dumbledore knows."

"Yeah, I guess. I just--"

Harry broke off as he heard Hermione's voice from the Hospital Wing.

"_You think I want to look like this forever?!"_

"Calm down miss Granger," Madam Pomfrey answered. As they entered the Hospital Wing, they were able to see that Hermione looked no different than when she had left, though she was very red in the face. "I'm sure we'll find some way to get it all removed."

"But I can't run around looking like half a llama!"

"I think you'll find that you will have to, until we find a cure."

Hermione stamped her foot in anger, then turned around. When she saw Harry and Ron there, she glanced at Harry's glasses and rolled her eyes.

"Is there nothing you can do, Madam Pomfrey?" asked Harry, though he wasn't really so keen on finding a cure to Hermione's problem, as she very obviously still disapproved of his glasses.

"Well, I suggest you run down to professor Snape and ask him if he can help," answered Madam Pomfrey.

Ron groaned.

On their way to the dungeons, Ron and Harry told Hermione all about what professor McGonagall had told them.

"A special guest?" asked Hermione when they finished. "Who?"

"She didn't tell us, but it's probably some old friend of Dumbledore's," said Ron.

"Oh, I really hope Snape will have something for me, I can't look like this when an important guest comes to Hogwarts!"

They reached Snape's office, then knocked.

"Yes?"

They walked in. Snape was in the middle of marking a bunch of Potions essays – Harry hoped very much that none of them were his, as one of them had gotten a T, and he had no doubt that if someone in his Potions classe would get a T, it was either him or Neville. When he looked up, his first expression was of dislike, as his eyes fell upon Harry. However, as he looked at Hermione, his expression changed into shock.

"What the ..." he said, staring at Hermione. Then, shaking his head, he said, "What happened?" He looked sternly at Ron and Harry, as though hoping it was their fault and he could give them detention.

"Neville," said Harry quickly. "He tried to turn her into a llama in Transfiguration, but he couldn't and now we can't get this off."

"And we were wondering, sir," said Hermione as politely as possible, "if you might have some kind of potion to remove it?"

"Not at the moment, I'm afraid," he said smoothly, "but I can brew one. It will take two weeks."

"Two weeks?!" said Hermione, looking horrified. "But sir, that guest is coming in five days!"

"I'm afraid there is nothing I can do about it, miss Granger," said Snape, now smirking slightly at the look of misery and desperation on Hermione's face. Harry and Ron glared at him.

"Couldn't we just cut it a bit?" suggested a voice from the door.

Ron groaned. The Author was back.

"Oh please, you'd still notice it!" said Hermione shrilly.

"Oh come on, just a little bit! Maybe if we--"

But she stopped abruptly as Ron withdrew a large baseball-bat from his bag.

"I keep it on me, just to be sure," he said, looking slightly mad. "And as it turns out, it was good idea!"

The Author stared from Ron to the bat and back again.

"Yeah, well, you know, I've gotta go ..." she said, backing slowly out of the room.

"Oh, no you don't!" yelled Ron.

The Author turned and ran, closely followed by Ron, out of the room and into the corridor.

"Now, really Ronald!" the others heard the Author say. "You really don't want to be doing this!"

"Yeah, I really think I do!" said Ron's loud voice. " OI! GET BACK HERE, YOU BLOODY-- What the-- Blimey ..."

Seconds later, Ron walked back into the office, looking very confused.

"What happened?" asked Harry.

"Did you get her?" asked Hermione hopefully.

"No," said Ron, sounding as confused as he looked. "I was right behind her, then she suddenly started running faster, then she turned a corner and she was gone! Out of nowhere!"

Snape looked ready to bang his head against the wall.

"We'll leave now, professor," said Hermione quickly.

"Yes, _please,_" he answered through his teeth. "I will brew the potion, but it will not be ready until next week."

"Next week?" asked Ron. "You said two weeks before!"

"I lied. Now get out!"

They obeyed happily. As soon as they closed the door, they were able to hear a continuing beating against the door.

"He's mad," mumbled Ron. "Everything in this castle's gone mad lately."

"True," said Hermione, glancing to Harry's glasses.

They walked to Gryffindor Tower, as there was no point in going to Charms class with only ten minutes left. Luckily for Hermione, the common room was empty. They went up to Harry and Ron's dormitory to check on Bob, who was happily chewing on a towel from Dean's trunk.

When he saw Hermione, he started bouncing and making some very funny expressions.

"What's up with him?" asked Ron.

"I think it fancies Hermione," answered Harry, trying very hard not to laugh at Hermione's hopeless expression and the flirting llama.

Hermione sighed.

"I'm going to bed," she said, then left.

Bob looked very happy, seemingly thinking he had made a good impression.

"But it's not even lunch time yet," said Ron, looking confusedly after Hermione. "And we've still got classes."

Harry shrugged and fed Bob the Potions essay he had gotten back a couple of days ago, which had earned him another D.

"I'll never understand llamas," muttered Ron.

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_Poor Hermione. Our beloved trio can't seem to catch a break now, can they? But then again. You know. That's pretty much what the whole story's all about :D:D_

_Anywho. More homework has snuck its way into my life, so I may be a bit slow on the updates. I'm sor-reeee. But I shall try to update once per week at least._

_So yeah, I hope you liked this chappie - PLEASE REVIEW :D:D:D:D - and get ready for **Chappie 9: Surprise, Surprise! **in which Hermione struggles to be accepted as part llama and the fic repeats itself. Again. :D  
_


	9. Surprise, Surprise!

_I am truly an evil person. I know, I know. Not only has it been two weeks since I last updated, it may take some time till the next update as well. As I will be going away tomorrow and might have no internet. Well. For you awesome people who're reading this, I really hope you're not planning to kill me. I've been sick and then I came back to school, then I had a whole lotta homework and catching up to do, you know. Aaaaaaanywho._

_I'm not all that sure about this chappie - it's not my favourite, anyway. I hope you guys like it! See you by the end!  
_

**- CHAPPIE 9: SURPRISE, SURPRISE! -**

Over the next two days Hermione was the center of attention everywhere she went. Students were pointing and whispering, the Slytherins were laughing and insulting her by saying things like, "I thought llamas were prettier than that, Granger" or "Finally found a friend on your level, Potter and Weasley?"

The Trio tried ignoring all this, though they weren't always succesful. Hermione had to try and hold Harry and Ron back several times an hour, though she herself looked like she was on the verge of tears all the time.

With Hermione being part llama, Harry having his new not-as-cool-as-he-thought glasses and Ron constantly with his hand inside his robes, clutching his baseball bat and looking at everyone as though they were the Author with Polyjuice Potion, the Trio looked even more abnormal than usual – which was saying a lot.

On the last day before Christmas break, the sixth year Gryffindors had just finished their last lesson of the day, Charms, and the Trio were now making their way to Gryffindor Tower with their bags.

"D'you know if anybody's signed up for that talent show?" asked Ron.

"Well, I've heard rumours that Colin and Dennis Creevey are doing something," said Hermione, glancing at Harry. "Though I don't know what. I haven't heard of anybody else I know."

"Me neither," said Harry. "But I'm sure there'll be loads of people performing. I just hope Malfoy won't be one of them, he'll probably sing a song for Voldemort or something ..."

"I reckon he will, he wouldn't miss a chance to prove himself," said Ron. "I s'pose he'll be able to prove himself as the biggest jerk ever to the whole school. Wait ... He's already done that."

Harry and Hermione laughed.

"What's so funny?" asked a voice from behind them. Ron quickly withdrew his bat from his robes, but it wasn't the Author – it was Neville.

"Don't kill me, I didn't do it on purpose!" he shouted quickly, his arms over his head and his eyes closed.

"Calm down Neville, I just thought you were someone else," said Ron, laughing. "And exactly what is it that you didn't do on purpose?"

"Um, well ..." said Neville, glancing to Hermione's ears.

"Oh, don't worry Neville, I know you didn't do it on purpose," said Hermione, though she didn't look like she was entirely convinced. Neville still looked slightly unnerved.

"Gran told me I should turn myself into a fulltime penguin to make up for it," he mumbled, earning himself a slightly pitying look from Hermione. "Anyway," he said quickly, "what's so funny?"

"We were just talking about what a disaster it'd be if Malfoy performed in the talent show," said Harry. "D'you know anybody who's signed up?"

"No, but I heard Seamus and Dean talking about it, I think they might ..."

"I wish Fred and George were still here," said Ron. "I'll bet they'd have signed up. It'd probably be a real laugh, they'd be the best."

"Ron, it's not a contest!" said Hermione disapprovingly.

"I know, but that doesn't mean they can't be the best, does it?"

Hermione just glared at him.

"I think Luna talked about something too," said Neville thoughtfully. "Something about Nargles or Snorkacks or something, I dunno."

"Luna Lovegood in a talent show?" asked Harry incredulously. "No way."

"She was talking to Ginny about it, I think they might perform together," said Neville.

"Well, maybe Ginny'll be able to keep the subject away from Mumble-Korned Floorkacks or whatever they're called," mumbled Ron.

They talked about the talent show all the way to Gryffindor Tower, and when the boys walked up to the boys' dormitory and Hermione left for the girls', they were still discussing the possibility of Snape performing by turning himself into a bat. However, as they opened the door, they went instantly quiet. Then,

"Oh no, not again!" groaned Ron. Bob was gone. Again.

"You think he escaped on his own again?" asked Harry.

"Maybe," said Ron. "I just thought he'd learned his lesson last time."

"Ron, he's a llama."

"A very strange llama though," Ron pointed out.

"Yeah, well, it doesn't matter," said Harry. "Let's find Hermione."

They went down to the common room and, luckily, Hermione was there, hidden behind her Arithmancy book.

"Oh, not again?!" she said as they told her of Bob's new disappearance. "You guys really should try to keep him in there, honestly!"

"We do!" said Ron hotly, and as Hermione rolled her eyes and scoffed he continued. "You have him then, if you're so good at keeping llamas. He might even listen to you now ..." Ron looked pointedly at Hermione's ears.

"Oh, you are just so--"

"Look, could you guys stop fighting?" said Harry loudly. "We have to find Bob.."

Ron and Hermione stopped arguing, but they made quite a show out of looking in opposite directions and keeping as far away from each other as they could. Which wasn't much, since the only other people who were looking for Bob were Harry and Neville.

They looked everywhere they thought it possible Bob would be, like in empty classrooms, the Hospital Wing and in the Kitchen. They also looked in some places where it was less likely for the llama to be, like in the passageway leading to Honeyduke's cellar (Bob had no wand), behind paintings, and Ron even lookied inside a suit of armor, which then chased them halfway to the Great Hall, yelling "Come back and fight, you ginger-haired devil, and I'll teach you something about privacy!"

"I don't think he's here," panted Ron, when the suit of armor finally gave up and turned around.

"Maybe Hagrid took him again?" suggested Neville.

"Or maybe he's in the dungeons again?" said Hermione fearfully. If Bob was in the middle of eating Snape's desk again, the chances that he would brew her a potion were small.

Just then, Dean came running towards them from the direction of the Great Hall.

"Hey guys, why is Bob in the Great Hall?"

Harry and Ron looked at each other.

"Well, we _did_ forget that one," mumbled Ron. Hermione rolled her eyes, to which Ron said angrily, "Hey, you didn't say anything either!"

Hermione mumbled something about being busy getting chased by a suit of armor, though she blushed slightly.

The Trio and Neville followed Dean to the Great Hall, and sure enough, there was Bob. But Bob didn't look so much like Bob anymore.

Someone had apparently decided that Bob was a very suitable Christmas decoration. His nose had been turned red and seemed to glow. He had magically grown antlers. He was also wearing a red Father Christmas hat and had bells stuck to his tail.

Upon seeing the Trio, he quickly tried to hide himself again, as he had done when he had been in Snape's office, under the Gryffindor table. But, with his nose glowing and his bells ringing, he was rather unsuccesful. Which he probably would have been anyway, even if he wasn't dressed up as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Relieved to have found him, they sat down to eat dinner, returning to their discussion about the upcoming event. When they finished with dinner, they tried luring Bob out from under the table. However, the llama had not yet finished his own dinner, which consisted of the Gryffindor table.

"Oh come on, you bloody thing!" said Ron angrily.

"Oh, but maybe we're not even supposed to take him back," said Hermione nervously, looking around. "I mean, maybe someone had an idea with having him down here?"

"Oh, don't worry about that, I just wanted to see how you'd react!"

Ron turned around so fast that Hermione, who was standing next to him, almost fell over.

"That, and I thought he needed some Christmas cheer," added the Author, who had suddenly appeared right behind them.

"That's no reason to take him to the Great Hall!" said Harry indignantly.

"Well, maybe-- Oh, come on," she said as Ron withdrew his baseball bat from inside his robes again. "You're not still going on about beating me up with that bat, are you?"

"No," said Ron savagely. "Now I'm not _just_ going to beat you up, I'm going to _kill_ you!"

People were starting to stare.

"Why d'you keep letting Bob out?"

"First of all, dear Ronald," said the Author, now backing slightly in the direction of the door, "I'll remind you that it wasn't me when he ran off to the Dungeons! Second of all, he did not look very Christmas-y!"

"But you could've dressed him up in the dormitory!"

"What's the fun of that?"

"_Well, _you won't get _killed_! But if that's what you want then I'm not stopping you!"

Everyone in the Great Hall were watching now, even the teachers, and this may have been one of the rare times where Snape was actually on Ron's side.

"You'd better stand still this time!" said Ron, raising his bat high into the air.

"Er, yeah, I don't think so," the Author said, then turned around and broke into a run, again closely followed by Ron, with Harry and Hermione behind them.

"Would – you – stop – _running!" _shouted Ron as they reached the Entrance Hall, waving the bat madly around.

"I'm so sorry Ronald, but I'll have to postpone that joyful moment!" shouted the Author in response over her shoulder, as she ran.

Then, suddenly, a creature flew in, looking something like a mix between a turtle, an elephant and a bird. The Author jumped onto its back, gave Ron a quick wink, then flew out into the grounds and out of sight. With no chance of following her, Ron merely stood with his bat still raised, looking angry and confused with his mouth open. It wasn't till he dropped the bat onto his foot that he spoke.

"What the bloody hell was that?" he asked, jumping on his other foot.

"I have no idea," said Hermione, looking just as confused.

"I know what it was!" said a dreamy, excited voice from behind them.

"Not now, Luna," said Ron angrily.

"Don't you talk like that to her, you prat!" said Ginny, who had run into the Entrance Hall with pretty much every student in the school.

"I'll talk the way I want!"

"You--"

"How is it," said Harry in a bored voice, "that everytime you talk to a girl you start fighting, Ron?"

Ron blushed.

"Let's just get Bob back upstairs."

They did so, which was much easier now since Bob had sprinted out of the Great Hall with the students. They didn't talk on the way to Gryffindor tower, as Ron was still fuming and Hermione was still trying to figure out what kind of creature the Author had escaped on. Harry, however, had gotten an idea.

"I've got an idea," he said as he closed the door to his and the other sixth-year boys' dormitory.

Hermione sighed.

"Oh, no ..."

"What?"

"It's just that last time you got an idea, _that_" - she pointed to his glasses - "was the result."

"Hermione, these glasses are awesome, so would you please stop bugging me," said Harry irritably. _"Anyway," _he pressed on as Hermione showed every sign of arguing, "this idea has something to do with the talent show."

Hermione stopped looking offended and Ron dropped his bat on his foot again.

"You don't want us to be _in _it, do you?" asked Ron, once again jumping on one foot.

"Well, kind of," said Harry. He glanced sideways to Bob, who was trying to catch Hermione's eye. Ron and Hermione stared.

"Bob?!" said Hermione incredulously. "You want _Bob_ to be in it?"

"Why not?" said Harry. "He isn't a normal llama, is he?"

As Bob chose that moment to start bouncing again (most likely because Hermione had looked at him), Ron and Hermione couldn't argue.

"So what, you want us to teach him tricks or something?" asked Ron.

"Well, that's what I thought."

Ron and Hermione looked at each other.

"Are you guys in?" asked Harry.

"I am," said Ron.

They looked at Hermione. She sighed.

"Okay, I'm in too."

"Great," said Harry. "I think it'll be a lot easier to teach him, since you've got that llama stuff."

Hermione glared at him.

"Oh come on Hermione, face it, you're part llama and you will until Snape's done with that potion."

"Oh shut up, Harry."

"Don't get violent, you two," said Ron.

"There's no need for _you_ to get involved, Ron!" said Hermione angrily.

"Well, I'll have to stop you two before you kill each other, don't I?"

"Oh come on Ron, honestly, you really think--"

"Why do you two always have to fight everytime you talk to each other?" said Harry.

"Why do you have to wear those stupid glasses?"

"Hey!"

"And why do you always have to meddle in things that are none of your business, Ron?"

"I thought you wanted me to stay out of this?"

"I do!"

"Then why're you dragging me back into it?"

"I'm not--"

But Hermione never got to argue back, for Bob suddenly bounced in between them and stood there, looking very sternly back and forth between the three teens.

"D'you think he knew we were fighting?" whispered Hermione.

"How could he miss it?"

"He's a llama, Ron."

"Right."

"Well, he's a smart llama," said Harry.

"The smarter the better," said Hermione. "Now let's start planning this before I back out."

***

The day when the mysterious guest was arriving finally came. Harry, Ron and Hermione had taught Bob all sorts of different tricks and were now ready for the talent show.

"I hope he likes clowns ..."

"What if he doesn't show up?"

"I wonder who this guy is?"

"I heard he's a vampire, you don't think that's true?"

It was half past five in the afternoon, and all the Hogwarts students and professors were standing just outside the castle, waiting for the mysterious guest.

"When's this guy coming?"

"How should we know, Ron?" said Hermione angrily. Her temper was always on the edge these days, with people constantly staring at her.

"I dunno, aren't you supposed to know everything?"

"I'm not the one who's taking Divination!"

"Well, that's only because you suck at--"

"Guys?"

"What?!"

Ron and Hermione glared at Harry, not liking to be interrupted when fighting.

"He's here."

They turned and, sure enough, there was a tall, thin man walking up to the castle, followed by five people. When they reached the castle and light fell upon them, the students were able to see how very strange they all looked.

The thin man in the front had a very strange nose, which did not look like it was his own. He was also wearing sunglasses. His hair was purple and looked like it had been cut off the tail of a purple-tailed horse. His companions looked rather odd too. They were all wearing different, strange glasses and odd, pink hats.

"Bet you don't mind Harry's glasses now," Ron whispered to Hermione.

"Shh!" said Hermione.

"Haven't I seen that guy before?" said Harry. "Yeah, I ... Merlin's Beard!"

Hermione looked at Harry and gasped.

"What?" asked Ron, looking around. "Is it the Author again?" he said hopefully, reaching for his baseball bat.

"No, Ron, it's ... it's _him!"_

"Who, Dumbledore?" asked Ron, looking very confused.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"I feel like there's something obvious that I _should_ know, but I _don't _know because you two don't feel like telling me!"

"Ron, it's him! Voldemort!"

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_DUN, DUN, DUUUUUH! OH MY GAWD! Or. you know._

_Anyway. Please do review, it would make me happy. And get ready for **Chappie 10: Showdown**, which will involve much fun, plus/minus a dark lord or two. Review, svp! :)  
_


	10. Showdown

_I am a horrible person. I know. I'm so sorry. It's been waaaaaaay too long since my last update, but after all that waaaaaaaaaay too long time, I finally pulled myself together last night and finished editing this chappie. Then of course I had to go to bad, and I ended up spending 30 minutes after going to bed reading some very uninteresting homework because I had spent most of my time finsihed this. I sacrificed 30 minutes of sleep for you, my dear readers, so you best review after reading!_

_Or something more positive._

_Anyway. I hope you like this chappie and find it funny - I had fun writing it :D I shall see you by the end. :D:D:D:D  
_

**- CHAPPIE 10: SHOWDOWN -**

"Ron, it's him! Voldemort!"

Ron stared.

"Are you serious?" he asked.

"Oh, it's obvious Ron, can't you see?" said Hermione.

"I dunno, I've never seen him before, have I?" he mumbled, staring after the newly arrived guests. "Wait a minute ... you haven't either, have you?"

"Well, no, but Harry's described him and it all fits!" said Hermione. "I know you don't listen when the teachers talk--"

"Hey!"

"--but I thought you might at least listen when Harry or I talk!"

"Not when you start rambling about homework," muttered Ron.

Hermione ignored him.

"Anyway, it all fits, it's obvious!"

"What d'you mean?"

"Well," began Harry, "that nose is obviously not his. And Voldemort doesn't have a nose."

"Oh, yeah ..."

"His hair's obviously fake too," said Hermione.

"Sure, yeah."

"And he's wearing sunglasses," added Harry. "Voldemort's got red eyes. He'd be recognizable from miles away."

"But the others are wearing sunglasses too!"

"That's probably just to try and disguise themselves – unless I'm much mistaken, that's Death Eaters. They don't look all that happy about those hats, though."

Ron groaned.

"Not them too?"

"Who did you expect him to bring, the seven dwarves?"

"Who?"

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Never mind."

They turned back to look at the six approaching figures. They were rather badly disguised, so Harry could clearly recognise the blonde Death Eater – Lucius Malfoy, walking right behind a female Death Eater who could be no one but Bellatrix Lestrange. Behind Malfoy, looking as clumsy as their sons, were who could only be Crabbe and Goyle senior. There was another Death Eater in the back, whom Harry thought he recognised as Macnair.

Dumbledore was waiting for the guests just outside the Entrance Hall.

"Dumbledore's gotta be able to see through that bad disguise," mumbled Ron.

"_You _didn't," said Hermione quietly with a smirk.

Ron ignored her.

Voldemort and his Death Eaters reached the Entrance Hall. Dumbledore greeted them happily.

"Welcome to Hogwarts, Mr Tromedlov," he said, holding out his hand. Voldmort presented him with two fingers, looking slightly disgusted.

"Tromedlov?" said Hermione sceptically. "That's not exactly subtle, is it?"

"What?" said Ron and Harry absent-mindedly.

"Never mind," replied Hermione, rolling her eyes again.

"Dumbledore doesn't look like he knows who he is though," said Harry, craning his neck to look over all the other students.

"You'd think he'd be able to, wouldn't you?" said Ron. "I mean, he's met him like a thousand times."

But Dumbledore did not look like he had any problems with 'Mr Tromedlov'. And as Dumbledore walked into the Entrance Hall after the guests, so did the students and Harry, Ron and Hermione were forced to follow.

They entered the Great Hall. As it was nearly Christmas, it was decorated and very beautiful, but this year it was even more than usual, just like it had been during the Triwizard Tournament. The four long tables had been removed and been replaced by a lot of smaller, round tables around the room. Only the High Table remained, with an extra seat for 'Mr Tromedlov'.

"Sit down, please!" Dumbledore called over the noise. There was a lot of scraping of chairs as everybody sat down. The Death Eaters took their own table, and the Trio found a table where they had a clear view of both Voldemort and his Death Eaters without being too obvious. Seamus and Dean joined them, but they were talking very excitedly about the talent show, so they paid no notice to Harry, Ron and Hermione's conversation.

"What's he doing here?" said Ron in a low voice. "You don't think he's here to-- to attack or anything?"

"Oh no, Ron," said Harry. "He just stopped by for a friendly word with Dumbledore and a slice of pumpkin pie. He's really enjoying himself, can't you tell?"

Ron looked uncertainly towards Voldemort. He was looking around the room, as if he was searching for something – or someone – and looking like he would prefer to be stuck in a room with ten trolls than sitting at the same table as Dumbledore.

"Alright, alright, I just figured he'd have attacked by now," mumbled Ron.

"I think he's looking for something," said Hermione thoughtfully.

"Maybe his nose? He could've lost it at Hogwarts."

"Ron!"

"Sorry."

Dumbledore stood up and said a few words of welcome and then the food was served. They ate, constantly looking for some indication that Voldemort or any of the Death Eater's were about to strike, but found nothing.

"How can he not see it?" said Ron suddenly. "Dumbledore," he added when Harry and Hermione looked confused. "He's supposed to be brilliant, isn't he? He should be ablt to see that!"

"Maybe he _does_ know it's him, he just doesn't want to let Voldemort know," said Harry thoughtfully.

"Why would he--" began Ron, but he was cut off by professor McGonagall who was standing on a stage in the middle of the room, her voice magically magnified.

"May I have your attention, please?"

The chatter died down.

"Thank you. Now, as I am sure professor Dumbledore will have informed our guests, we have prepared a surprise for this visit. Our students have all been working hard to prepare what I am about to present, and they are now ready to show you and everybody else what they have put together. I am proud" - she did not look like she meant this - "to present: the Hogwarts talent show!"

There was loud applause – everybody (with the obvious exception of professor McGonagall, who seemed very sceptic about the whole thing) had been looking forward to this event ever since hearing about it.

"First on the list of performers," said McGonagall as the applause had died down, now holding a semi-long list in front of her, "are the Creevey Brothers, with their song: Ha--" She broke off, looked closely at the list, then shrugged and sighed. "The Creevey Brothers with their song: 'Harry Potter is Awesome'."

Harry froze in his seat and turned very red as Ron, Hermione, Dean and Seamus all started laughing.

Colin and Dennis Creevey walked onto the stage. Colin had a guitar and Dennis had a large blackboard.

"I wonder what they'll use that for?" said Dean, having recovered from hearing the name of the song (which Ron and Seamus still hadn't done) but still smiling.

Behind Colin and Dennis, two other boys walked in, too. One, who they weren't sure what was called, sat down behind a keyboard. The other, whose name was Nigel, and who the Creevey brother hadn't realised was a replacement for them and so didn't really excist in the same universe as them, sat down behind a drum set.

"One, two, three, four!" Colin shouted into a microphone, and the band started playing.

"Harry Potter is so awesome

He keeps sa-aving the school

And his scar is shaped like lightning

Harry Potter is so cool", sang Colin. It didn't sound all that well, and while he sang, Dennis kept tapping the blackboard with his wand, which showed drawings of Harry, for example one of Harry defending Hogwarts, which looked to be under attack from dragons, giants and several other dangerous magical creatures.

Ron, Hermione, Dean and Seamus all looked like they were about to die from laughing. Harry wished he hadn't left his invisibility cloak in his dormitory. When they reached the chorus, everybody was laughing and looking at him, and he thought he'd rather listen to Luna babble about Nargles and Flambongs than this.

"He has a llama whose name is Bob,

You can fight him but he'll never stop,

And if you think he will then you're a fool,

Harry Potter is so coooooooooool."

And so it went on and on.

Ron and Hermione kept laughing until they were mentioned.

"His best friends are Gryffindors, too,

Ronald Weasley's hair is red

It's not fuzzy like Hermione Granger's

The two of them will be together, I'll bet."

The drawing on the board changed to a boy and a girl (the girl with a large amount of hair) holdig hands, and Ron and Hermione stopped laughing instantly. If Harry hadn't been so humiliated by the rest of the song, he would have laughed, but as it was, he was pretty sure they were all thinking the same thing – that they wished Colin had not been revived after being petrified back in their second year.

When it finally was over, there was loud applause from the audience. Even the Slytherins seemed to ignore the song's title and that it was all meant as a tribute to Harry.

"They should be called the 'Creepy' Brothers instead," muttered Ron, red in the face.

"Ahem," said professor McGonagall loudly. The room went quiet again. "The next to perform are a group of students called the 'Magic Oranges', who are here to perform an enlightening act, with the purpose of informing us of the importance of cucumbers."

The Magic Oranges went on. After them it was Seamus and Dean, who had teamed up with Lavender and Parvarti and were acting out what they thought would happen if the teachers had a staff party and got drunk – something that amused the students and most of the teachers, though Snape looked ready to kill, especially after Dean, pretending to be him, wearing a greasy wig and a fake nose, had declared his undying love for Parvarti, who was impersonating professor Trelawney, and then proceeded to flap his arms around the room and shout that he was the Batman (a joke which only the Muggle-borns and people like Harry got, but even so it was a very funny sight and everybody laughed).

The talent show continued, more artists, bands, actors and such performing, with McGonagall, who appeared to be drinking more and more Firewhiskey, introducing them with increasing enthusiasm – she actually introduced Ginny and Luna, who sang a song called 'Snorkacks and Bat-Bogies', as 'such a lovely pair of girls with such lovely hair'.

Finally, after a performance by the group calling themselves 'Dobby's Socks' who sang a song called 'Turtles Have Rights, Too', it was Harry, Ron, Hermione and Bob's turn.

"And now," they heard McGonagall say from their position behind the stage, "I'll introduce you to the Trio, also known as Parry Hotter, Donald Greasley and Shermione Ranger, from my house should know, with their llama Bob, here to show you a trick or two!"

Slightly nervous, the Trio stepped onto the stage with Bob (who was still dressed as Rudolph). Everyone stared expectantly at them, and even Voldemort looked mildly interested – though that could of course also be because the boy destined to kill him had just stepped into the spotlight.

"Well, hi!" said Hermione, her voice a little higher than usual. "Um, well, this is Bob, and, um, he's a llama, as you know, but he's a very special llama."

Bob bowed. People laughed. The Trio stared – they hadn't taught him to do that.

"Well, as you can see," said Hermione, recovering quickly, "he's a bit unusual."

Bob started bouncing happily, the bell on his tail ringing loudly.

"Well, we--" Hermione began but stopped in mid-sentence, her mouth still open. Bob was no longer bouncing – he was dancing ballet.

"Blimey," said Ron, staring at Bob with large eyes. It did not look like it was new to him – in fact, it looked more like he had been doing it all his life. He danced around all over the stage, jumping up and down, and it would probably have looked very beautiful if he hadn't been a llama.

Then, after performing a very graceful pirouette, Bob stopped in mid-air – and started breakdancing. People were cheering and screaming with laughter, falling of their chairs, and McGonagall, now seriously drunk, was standing on a table, clapping and whooping. When Bob finished, he bowed again, bounced off the stage and right up to the High Table where he started eating it where Snape was sitting.

"I didn't know he could do that!" shouted Harry to the other two over all the noise. They walked off the stage but did not fetch Bob, deciding that Bob deserved to get what he wanted after his performance – and the only one who seemed to have a problem with that was, of course, Snape.

"Thank you very much," said professor McGonagall, wiping her eyes which were filled with tears from laughing and leaning against a wall to keep herself standing. "I'll remind you all that those were students from my house, not from Schlytherin. We only have one performance left now, but I'll have to say this has been a very enterfain-- enterplain-- enterrain-- fun night. Please welcome – the Author!"

"_What?!" _shouted Ron, standing up.

An ice rink appeared on stage, and in came the Author, wearing skates. She started skating in a very graceful way, which reminded everybody of Bob's ballet, and it looked truly wonderful – she appeared to be very talented. However, Ron did not care. He walked right up on the stage, ignoring Hermione's shouts, and put on a pair of skates that seemed to appear out of nowhere, then walked onto the ice rink and withdrew his baseball bat from underneath his robes and started following her.

It wasn't easy for him, as the Author had sped up as soon as she had noticed him, and he obviously had not had much practice on skates. However, he was very talented at shouting.

"COME BACK HERE! STAND STILL, YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY THIS TIME!"

His face was red as a tomato, but the Author was too fast, and even when she was being chased by a mad redhead with a bat she looked very graceful. When she finished her performance, Ron was too exhausted to hit her even as she stood still. She bowed as people started applauding.

"How ... the bloody ... hell ... did you ... do ... that ..." panted Ron."

The Author shrugged.

"I can't skate, but it's my story," she said. Then she winked at him and left.

"I think I'm gonna die," said Ron, then fell onto the ice rink, lying on his back, wondering why he didn't just give up, as Bob bounced up to him started chewing on his hair. He didn't have the energy to wave him off.

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_Mwuahaha. I am being mean to Ron, I know. I love Ron :D And I really can't skate, I'm awful at it. That's why I looooove being in the story :D  
_

_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway. So I really hope you liked this chappie! I'd love some reviews, ty :D:D:D:D:D Oh, and I really hope I won't take as long with the next chappie, but I can't promise anything - school's really busy and I've got, you know. A life with friends and stuff, so I can't write all the time :D_

_PLEASE review, I will love you eternally for it, and get ready for **Chappie 11: Something With Llamas, House-Elves and Crazy Authors, **where we will find out why Voldemort is at Hogwarts, another Harry-obsessed character will visit the story and I, of course, will jump in and be full of awesomeness. :D_


	11. Something With Llamas, HouseElves

_Ehehehe. It's been over two weeks again. Surprise :D:D:D okay, so I don't think you should be counting on getting new chappies till at least two weeks after the latest upload, school is sooooo busy :o Like, right now I really should be working on my maths homework as well as reading the book I'm supposed to write an essay about for next Friday, plus I've got a Spanish test to read for etc etc ... Yeah, not that you're interested in any of that, but nobody else is and I get to decide what it says in these LOOOOOVELY author's notes :D_

_Anyway. This chappie is rather longer than the rest. I think. I'm not 100% sure, but I think it is. Anyharry, I'm quite happy with me rewriting of this, as the original edition pretty much sucked. Which is why you users should be truly grateful that you don't have to read that. :D_

_Kk, so please enjoy and I'll see you by the end, as always! :)  
_

**- Chappie 11: Something With Llamas, House-Elves and Crazy Authors - **

The show was over but the party was definitely not – and especially not for Bob. After Harry and Hermione had dragged Ron away from the llama and down to their table, he bounced off happily and started chewing on every table in reach, looking very pleased with himself.

"I'll get her next time," Ron panted, exhausted.

"Oh Ron, just look at you!" said Hermione. "Will you just give up? You can't win!"

Harry had to admit that she had a point, no matter if he disliked the Author too. Ron's face was so red it matched Bob's nose (as he was still dressed as Rudolph) and his hair was messy and wet with Bob's saliva.

"Give up?" said Ron incredulously. "Why? I was so close this time!"

"Close? _Close?!_ Ron, you can't skate, you were nowhere near close!"

"I was!"

"No, you weren't!"

"Yes, I was!"

"No, you--"

"Guys?"

"What?!"

Ron and Hermione turned to look at Harry, once again annoyed at being interrupted during an argument.

"Don't you think there's something more worrying than the fact that Ron can't skate?"

"But she can't either!" said Ron angrily.

"She did!"

"But she said--" began Ron, but upon seeing the look on Harry's face he stopped in mid-sentence. "What is it you want us to worry about?" he asked instead.

"Voldemort!"

Ron jumped.

"Where?!"

"Ron!"

"Oh, right. Sorry."

They all looked at the Dark Lord in question. He was still looking for something or someone and was not talking to anybody, not even the Death Eaters – who, opposite their leader, looked like they were having a real good time. Only Bellatrix looked displeased about their situation, though that was probably because she had not been drinking as much Firewhiskey as the rest.

"I just wish I knew what he was looking for," muttered Harry. He turned to Hermione. "Any theories?"

"Well," began Hermione, "since he hasn't attacked anyone yet, it seems like he isn't here to kill anyone, so I believe he's looking for information, or someone who can give him information."

"What sort of information could he get from a bunch of students?" asked Ron.

"I don't know everything!"

"That's the first time I've heard that coming from you."

"Shut up," snapped Hermione. "Anyway, I think that's why he's here, but I can't see who he would be looking for, except for Dumbledore, but it's not like he hasn't seen Dumbledore, I mean, they've been sitting at the same table all night, and then the obvious choice would be Harry, but he's seen him on stage, so it'll have to be someone who hasn't performed, or maybe he doesn't know what they look like, or he would probably--"

"Hermione, breathe!" interrupted Ron. She scowled at him.

"Hello, Harry. Ronald, Hermione," said a dreamy voice. They turned around to see Luna standing right behind them.

"Er ... Hello, Luna," said Harry.

"I really enjoyed you show," she said. "It was very funny when your Flambong danced."

"Bob is not a 'Flambong' Luna, he's a llama!" said Hermione.

"No, it's a Flambong, I can tell," said Luna, nodding her head.

"They don't exist, Luna!" Hermione pressed on.

"Sure they do, Daddy says so."

"And you believe everything he tells you?" said Hermione sceptically. Luna didn't seem to notice Hermione's slightly unfriendly tone.

"Oh yes, he's very wise."

"Isn't he running _the Quibbler_?" said Hermione, so exasperated that she almost shouted – head turned in her diretion.

"Yes, I thought you know that."

Hermione turned slightly red.

"I-- of course I did, but--"

"But why did you ask, then?" asked Luna, looking at Hermione with a mild expression as though she was talking to a small child.

Harry noticed that Voldemort was now talking to Bellatrx (the only sober Death Eater left), both looking over at Luna and Hermione. He couldn't hear what they were saying though, since the two girls were still arguing (although Luna didn't seem to regard it as an argument, more like a friendly chat).

"--none of his stories are based on facts!" Hermione was saying.

"Oh, sure they are," said Luna, still smiling dreamily

"Where's the proof?" asked Hermione desperately.

"We don't need proof," answered Luna as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You didn't have proof last year, when you wanted Harry to tell people about You Know Who's return."

"There were certain facts--"

"She's got a point, Hermione," said Ron.

"Oh, whose side are you on?" said Hermione, now turning on him.

"Er ... I prefer to be neutral," he said, looking uncertainly at Hermione who did not look very friendly.

"Oh, you are such a--" started Hermione – but was cut off by none other than Bellatrix Lestrange.

"Excuse me," she said in a false, sweet voice which reminded everyone of Umbridge – in fact, more than one person jumped and looked around in alarm, but since no one except the Trio knew who she really was, they were actually calmed down by the sight of Bellatrix Lestrange.

"Did you say your father runs _the Quibbler?"_ she asked Luna, who nodded. "So he would be Xenophilius Lovegood?"

Luna nodded again. Then she tilted her head and looked at Bellatrix.

"Do I know you? You seem familiar," she said.

Bellatrix looked uncomfortable.

"Oh, um, no, I don't think so dear," she said, turning around quickly to hide her face.

"My Lo-- I mean, Mr Tromedlov!" she called to Voldemort, who had been watching them all the time and now nodded and got up. He walked over to Bellatrix, Luna, the Trio and everyone else who was there, and though Voldemort didn't look like he was about to attack, Harry couldn't stop himself.

"What d'you want?" he asked Voldemort, withdrawing his wand. Voldemort looked at him.

"What are you talking about, Mr ...?"

"Cut it out, even if you weren't Lord Voldemort you'd know who I am!"

Voldemort looked shocked. The crowd gasped, Ron and Hermione said "Harry!" in a terrified whisper, and Luna, her voice still as dreamy as ever, looked at Bellatrix and said,

"Oh, I thought I knew you from somewhere! You're Bellatrix Lestrange, you were in the Department of Mysteries!"

The crowd gasped again.

There was nothing Voldemort or Bellatrix could do – they couldn't get out of this, Harry was sure. The crowd, a little panicky, turned to look at the other Death Eaters. They, as the only ones in the Great Hall, weren't paying the slightest attention to what was happening. They were, however, paying quite a lot of attention to their drinks – a little too much. Crabbe senior was asleep across the table, drooling. The rest had their arms around each other's shoulders, singing a loud version of 'God Rest Ye Merry Death Eaters'. And as their disguises fell off, the crowd recognised them as Death Eaters, too.

"Why," sneered Voldemort, looking furiously at Harry, "do you always have to ruin my plans?"

"Well, if you hadn't killed my parents _and _tried to kill me again and again, I might not have to," Harry answered angrily. He looked around. Dumbledore was nowhere to be seen – in fact, there were no teachers in the Great Hall at all.

"Oh, this is just great," said Ron, as though he had just read Harry's mind. "The one time You-Know-Who turns up in the middle of school there're no teachers around!"

Ron seemed to have pushed a button – as soon as he had finished his sentence, panic broke out. It was like the crowd had only just realised what was going on. People were running up and down the Hall, screaming and yelling and hugging each other as though Voldemort would pass by them if they were only holding on to someone. But Voldemort did not seem like he was about to kill anyone – not yet, anyway. He opened his mouth to say something – but just as he did, a drunken voice spoke behind Harry.

"Hey!" it said, yelling slightly as people were still shouting. "Haven't I – hik! - seen you b'fore?"

It was Lucius Malfoy, looking at Harry through narrowed eyes as though he could not quite see him. Then his eyes found Harry's scar.

"Dat looks – hik! - famuli-- fimali-- fumilu-- like somefing I've seen b'fore! - hik! - Oi!" he yelled to the other drunk Death Eaters. "Get – hik – over here! Dis guy's got a funny fing on his forehead!"

The other Death Eaters stumbled over to the group, now consisting of one Boy Who Lived, one red-haired sidekick, one bushy-haired know-it-all, one blonde Nargle-believer, one Dark Lord, one sober female Death Eater and one male and very – _very_ – drunk Death Eater.

Macnair and Goyle senior – Crabbe senior was still asleep – followed Malfoy's pointing finger with their eyes till they found the scar. For a moment they just stood there, squinting and looking as if their brains (if they even had any) were about to explode. Then, as one, they burst out laughing.

Harry closed his eyes to calm himself – after all, three wasted Death Eaters were not his main problem. He turned to face Voldemort, who looked slightly resigned. Harry tried to pick up the conversation from where they had left off.

"So who're you trying to kill this time?" he asked.

Voldemort looked round at him, his expression changing instantly from resignation to evil superiority.

"I don't see why I should share my plans with you, Potter," he sneered. The Great Hall had calmed down – those who had not fled yet had stopped to listen to the conversation.

"But as a matter of fact, I am not here to kill anyone, though I am not ruling it out," continued Voldemort. "All we need is a word with miss Lovegood. Any objections will result in instant death."

The Hall was now so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. Or even a feather. Of course you could also hear an elephant drop, but that's not really a surprise, as one would assume it would make quite a lot of noise. Even the drunk Death Eaters were quiet – though that was probably just because they had passed out.

"What d'you want with Luna?" asked Harry slowly.

"We just want a word," sneered Voldemort, "and if it bothers you, I would be happy to let you be the first victim."

Of course, Harry did not trust him. Voldemort had killed Harry's parents, even his own – and a lot of other parents. (And he had stepped on the beedle the other day, but Harry didn't know about that.)

"Actually I was kind of looking forward to creating some new 'I Believe In Nargles'-badges, so I would rather not talk right now," said Luna suddenly, her voice still dreamy even as she was talking to Lord Voldemort.

"That is not for you to decide," sneered Voldemort.

"Maybe if you tried speaking nicer to people they would want to talk to you," said Luna wisely.

Voldemort blinked, seemingly at a loss for words. Bellatrix snapped.

"_Just tell us where the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks are!_" she yelled, grabbing the front of Luna's robes.

There was silence for a moment, then giggling erupted all over the Great Hall – Hermione snorted.

"They're in Sweden of course," said Luna, completely ignorant to the reaction of everyone else.

"We know!" yelled Bellatrix. "But _where_ in Sweden?"

"I don't know," said Luna.

"What?!" said Bellatrix.

"I said, I don't know," said Luna. "Maybe you should get your brain checked, I heard the Wrackspurts can cause bad hearing too," she added, looking more concerned that Bellatrix's brain might be infested with Wrackspurts than the fact that she had both hers and Lord Voldemort's wands pointing to her heart.

"You do know!" shrieked Bellatrix, now losing it completely and shaking Luna back and forth. "You know, you just won't tell us! _Cru--_"

But just as Bellatrix was about to curse Luna, the doors to the Great Hall burst open – and there was the Author, carrying a lightsaber and wearing a white costume, Dobby, wearing six pairs of socks and four of Hermione's hats, both riding on Bob who was wearing a red Superman cape.

"You shall not harm the great Luna Lovegood!" the Author yelled. "Go Bob, go!"

And Bob sprinted over to Luna, Bellatrix and Voldemort, stopped right in front of them – and then he spat Bellatrix and Voldemort right in the face.

Bellatrix had let go of Luna out of shock and now raised her hands at the sight of the Author's lightsaber.

"You!" yelled Voldemort, who seemed to have recognised the girl who had been sneaking around in his camp.

"Yes Voldy, me!" said the Author, now pointing the lightsaber at him. "Happy to see me again?"

But she didn't wait for an answer.

"Now, Dobby!"

The Author and Dobby surrounded Voldemort and Bellatrix – as well as they could, as they were two beings who were rather smaller than both of their victims – and charged, Dobby running headfirst into Bellatrix and the Author hitting Voldemort over the head with her lightsaber. They were knocked into each other, back to back, and then Bob came running with a rope in his mouth that nobody knew how he had gotten – Dobby and the Author grabbed it and started tying the two villains together, then they hoisted them up on Bob's back, whereafter Bob ran out of the Hall and disappeared.

There was silence for a moment. Then applause broke – the Author and Dobby bowed just as Bob came bouncing back into the hall, his cape flying around him. He nudged the Author and looked pointedly to the right.

"Oh, I suppose we should get rid of them, too," said the Author, looking at the three sleeping Death Eaters. "Dobby?"

"Yes, miss Author!" squeaked Dobby. He pointed his finger at them – there was a loud _Crack!_ and they disappeared.

Harry, Ron and Hermione simply stood and stared at the place where they had been, until Ron spoke.

"What the bloody hell just happened?"

"Don't ask me," said Harry.

"Where are the Death Eaters? And Voldemort?" Hermione asked the Author.

"Oh, they're somewhere around Russia, I think," she answered. "Not that they can't Apparate back, but it just seemed more impressive."

"I ... Oh, I give up," said Hermione, sitting down and looking defeated.

"Harry Potter, sir!" squeaked Dobby excitedly, looking up at Harry. "Dobby is happy to see Harry Potter, sir! He was hoping to see him soon, miss Author promised Dobby, sir!"

"Er ... Hi, Dobby," said Harry. "How did you make the Death Eaters go to Russia just like that?"

"Dobby knows not, sir!" squeaked Dobby happily – apparently this did not bother him at all. "But Dobby must go now, sir, Dobby has to get back to the kitchen!"

He bowed, his hats nearly falling off, and then he disappeared with another loud _Crack!_ Harry turned to the Author.

"What's with the sword?" he asked.

"This?" she asked, waving the lightsaber around. "I bought it at a Muggle toy store. But it looks rather impressive, doesn't it?"

They simply stared at her, but she didn't seem to notice, too busy with examining her apparently rather worthless sword.

"Anyway, I must be going," she said suddenly. "Darth Vader's waiting for me in another galaxy. See you soon, eh?"

She winked at Ron as usual, then skipped cheerfully to the door, where she halted and turned around, looked at Luna and said.

"By the way, you were right, Luna," she said very seriously. "Bellatrix has been infested by Wrackspurts, I'm thinking of visiting her sometime soon to help her get rid of them. They could be of the contagious kind, we can't have an epidemic in these troubled times."

Luna nodded and smiled happily. The Author help her lightsaber up over her head.

"May the Force be with you!"

And then she left.

There was another moment of silence, only broken by the occasional pin, feather and elephant falling to the floor. Then Hermione spoke from her seat.

"Voldemort wants to find the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks?" she said in a tired voice. "What's happening with the world?"

"Something with llamas, house-elves and crazy authors, I think ..." muttered Ron.

Bob was still bouncing and hit Ron in the face with his cape.

* * *

_So yah. Am I not an awesome Jedi?_

_K, so maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe it's just really strange that Voldy and his DE's will be scared off by a tiny green guy with large ears, a wannabe-Jedi of 16 and a bouncing llama. But you know. It's a strange world. Personally I think Dobby, Bob and I are a much more awesome trio than Harry, Ron and Hermione but I'm not sure JKR would feel the same way :D:D_

_Anyway. I would simply love reviews. And don't be too hard on me 'cause of my very late updating. :o :o Anywho, please review aaaaaaaaand prepare yourselves for **Chappie 12: Not Again?! **- you may try to guess what is happening again. :D REVIEW, PLEEEEASE :D:D  
_


	12. Not Again!

_Oh, hi. Yes, I'm alive. :D Okay, so it's been like, what, two weeks and a day? So it's not that bad, eh? Eh? School is punishing my lack of attention (as in I tend to discuss Harry Potter and Star Wars instead of doing anything productive) with Danish essays about boring books and all that junk. So it wasn't till yesterday that I remembered I had a fic to update - so I only spent two days creating this update, and yet it took me a lot of time to actually update. And I can't even say 'but this chappie's sooooo long so you can't hate me now mk' because it's like, the shortest of them all or something :P_

_Okay, I'll stop rambling now. Just enjoy the chappie (or don't, Idk lol :D) and I'll be back for more rambling at the end :D  
_

**- CHAPPIE 12: NOT AGAIN! - **

The Christmas holidays were rather uninteresting. And yet there was a lot of talk in the corridors, the library, the common rooms – everywhere in Hogwarts, because almost everyone was staying and they were all discussng the events of the talent show over and over again. Those who hadn't been in the Great Hall when Bob, Dobby and the Author had 'saved the day' knew a story which wasn't quite matching the one Harry, Ron and Hermione knew. Some of those who actually had been in the Great Hall hadn't been able to see properly, either because they hadn't been close enough to the happenings or because they had been too scared to watch. This was proved when they heard Terry Boot of Ravenclaw and Hannah Abbott of Hufflepuff discussing what Ernie MacMillan, also of Hufflepuff, had told them about Voldemort having been beaten by a giant flying elephant, which had then proceeded to turn into a lion and chase him out the hall. How Ernie, who had been one of those too scared to watch, had managed to convince himself of this, they did not know.

However, everyone was now aware that mr Tromedlov had actually been Voldemort, and that the Trio, Luna, Bob and 'that skating Author girl' had been involved – it wasn't a good idea to bring the Author up in front of Ron though. He was still incredibly angry that she kept escaping him, and now that she had saved everyone from Voldemort, it was quite obvious that nobody else disliked her – except for Snape, and those Slytherins who were Voldemort fans (which would be pretty much all of them) of course. But of course Ron couldn't team up with them, as he hated them just as much. Or, well, almost as much.

When the holidays ended, everything went back to normal. Well, almost normal. There was still something rather strange about having a llama with unusual abilities living in your dormitory, but the lessons returned and people had less time to talk about the events at the talent show.

Hermione had also had her llama parts removed. But if Harry and Ron had thought this would make Bob sad, they were wrong. Bob was so proud of his achievements at the talent show that he didn't even notice. He was still wearing the red Superman cape, and nobody was able to get it off him. If they tried they would just get a kick in the stomach and some Gryffindor student's homework right in their face.

On a Saturday, nearly a month after the holidays had ended, the Trio was sitting in the Gryffindor common room in front of the fire. Not in their usual chairs though – they were actually sitting on the floor, as Bob had been bouncing all around the common room a week earlier while everyone had been at dinner and had broken pretty much every piece of furniture. Nobody really cared how he had escaped the dormitory, as that happened almost every day, except for Ron, convinced it was the Author again and trying to get anybody who would listen to hate her as he did. But, as Ron had discovered, it did not work.

"I hate sitting on the floor like this," said Ron grumpily.

"It's not my fault, is it?" snapped Hermione.

"Did I say it was?"

"If you think I don't know you'd--"

"Guys, just drop it," said Harry tiredly. This had no effect whatsoever on Ron and Hermione's arguing, as it rarely did when no dark lords were in sight.

"But he's accusing me--"

"I'm not accusing you of anything!"

"But you were about to!"

"I was not!"

"Yes you were!"

"How would you know?"

Harry sighed. Somehow they were managing to fight almost twice as much as usual ever since Bob's 'bouncing incident'. He wished they would just realise _why_ they were constantly arguing and get it over with but it did not look like that would be happening anytime soon.

Harry's train of thoughts was cut off by a sudden scream.

"AARGH!"

The common room went dead quiet.

"What was that?" whispered Hermione.

Everybody was listening hard but there were no more screams.

"Didn't it come from the boys' dormitory?" asked Parvarti Patil.

People nodded. It had definitely come from that direction.

"It'll probably be our dormitory then," said Dean.

"But we're all here," said Neville, looking rather pale as he pointed to himself, Dean, Seamus, Ron and Harry.

"Maybe Bob scared a lost first-year?" suggested Ron.

"We should go check," said Harry.

He, Ron, Hermione, Dean, Seamus and a slightly reluctant Neville got up and headed for the dormitory in question.

Harry opened the door just enough to get his head inside the room and looked around for signs of life. Neville whimpered. But there was nothing to fear. The domitory was completely empty. With the exception of beds and such. But there was nothing unusal. Nothing at all. Not even the one unusual thing that was supposed to be there.

Harry opened the door and they all stepped into the room.

"Where's Bob?" asked Ron. There was no sign of him.

"Well, not here," said Harry.

They started looking more closely for any sign of any unusual activity.

"How could he just escape without anyone noticing?" asked Hermione.

"No idea," said Seamus.

"He could've been kidnapped or something," suggested Harry.

"But how would they get him out of here without anyone noticing?" asked Hermione.

"I dunno, maybe they've got an invisibility cloak or--"

"Guys?" said Dean. "The window's open."

(Commercial break)

(BUY WASHING POWDER!)

(Commercial break over)

They all looked up at him.

"Did anybody open the window?" asked Harry.

"No, I was up here about ten minutes ago to get me Charms homework and it was closed then," said Seamus. "Nobody's been up here since, have they?"

They all shook their heads.

"Was Bob here then?" asked Hermione.

"Yeah, he tried to eat me Charms homework so I fed him Neville's Transfiguration essay instead ..."

"What?!" said Neville. Everybody else ignored this.

"But how come the window's open now, then?" asked Hermione.

"Okay Hermione, new rule," said Ron. "_You_ don't get to ask questions because _you're_ supposed to know everything, and when _you_ ask questions, no one can answer!"

"But Ron, that's ridiculous!"

"No it's not, it's a perfectly reasonable rule!"

"How is that reasonable?"

"That was a question. Now you have to pay me two sickles."

"Oh, you're just so childish, Ron. _Anyway_," she pressed on as Ron opened his mouth to argue, "he can't have escaped through the window, can he? It's a very long way down!"

"Well, if Luna was right--" started Harry jokingly.

"Oh, don't even go there," said Hermione.

"Guys, look at this," said Dean, standing by the window and looking down.

They all went over to the window and looked down. They gasped.

Hanging all the way from the windowsill to the ground, all tied together, was a whole bunch of bedsheets.

"Somebody climbed down all the way from here?" said Neville.

"Must be raving," said Ron. "But yeah, it seems like it."

"But why?

"Well," said Hermione slowly, "perhaps somebody _did_ kidnap Bob."

There was silence for a long moment in which everybody stared at Hermione. Then Ron spoke.

"Why would anyone want to kidnap Bob?"

"Well, he _has_ proved himself to be a bit ... unusual ..." said Hermione. "And some people might think he's got some kind of special powers ..."

"Yeah, but--" Ron broke off in mid-sentence. "Of course – I'll bet it's her!"

"Who?" asked Dean, but Harry was pretty sure he already knew.

"The Author!" said Ron excitedly. He didn't even seem to mind that everyone rolled their eyes at him – he just seemed excited to have a chance to finally get the Author out of the way.

"Ron, you think _everything_ is the Author's fault," said Hermione.

"Well, she's the Author, Hermione," said Harry. "Wouldn't it actually be her fault in ... some weird way?"

"I ... well ... I ... but you ... I-- oh, forget it!" said Hermione angrily.

"It was the Author those other times!" said Ron.

"That doesn't necessarily mean it's her this time!"

"Look, guys," said Harry, hurrying to speak before they started arguing, "no matter who took Bob, or why, we'll probably be able to find them if we follow the signs."

"What, you-- you mean we should climb down the window, too?" said Ron, looking unnerved.

"No Ron," said Harry sarcastically, "I was thinking that if we just stayed here, Bob would just burst in the door to our dor--"

But just then the door burst open – and Bob bounced in, his Superman cape flying behind him.

"--mitory," finished Harry, staring at Bob.

"Bob!" said Ron, hurrying over to the llama. "Where have you been?"

But Bob, being a llama, couldn't answer. Instead he kept bouncing in the doorway, nodding his head pointedly towards the stairs.

"I think he wants us to follow him!" said Hermione.

Bob bounced more enthusiastically at this, his cape fluttering wildly around him. It hit him in the face so he couldn't see and he started bouncing left and right in an attempt to shake it off. After a moment where they all just stared at the llama struggling with the cape, Ron approached Bob cautiously and, though it wasn't easy as Bob was kept bouncing madly around, removed the cape from Bob's face.

"You want us to come with you?" Ron asked Bob. The llama started chewing on his hair. "Argh – get off! I'll take that as a yes!"

He turned to look at the others, one hand preventing Bob from eating his hair.

"What d'you say?"

"I'm coming," said Harry.

"Me too," said Hermione.

"Er ..."

Neville seemed less enthusiastic.

"It might be a good idea for someone to stay here," said Hermione wisely. "You know, as a look out, in case anyone turned up."

"I'll do it!" said Neville quickly.

"Alright Neville, just ... just, I dunno, send a couple of first-years if anything happens," said Harry.

But this seemed to have a bad effect on Neville.

"What if someone dangerous turns up? And-- and I get hurt or--"

"Then we'll pay for the flowers at your funeral," said Ron cheerfully. "You coming too?" he asked Seamus and Dean, completely ignoring how Neville's face seemed to turn from pale to ghostly white.

"Sure, but ..."

Dean glanced to Neville.

"Oh, he'll be fine," said Hermione in a low voice so that Neville, now muttering to himself, couldn't hear. "I really doubt whoever jumped out the window's going to come back after making such an effort to get out without being seen."

"Alright then," said Harry. "Let's go."

They headed for the door.

"Take care, Neville!" said Ron. Neville didn't respond, he merely nodded and muttered something about defensive spells.

And they followed Bob down the stairs, past the Gryffindor students in the common room and out of Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

_Eheheh. Don't you just love Neville? :D 333333 he's my one and only. Except for Ron, of course. Ima kill Hermione and Hannah :(_

_K, so, I hope you liked zee chappie (seriously, I should have Fleur in this story. French accents are so much fun) and you will review and be happy because I FINALLY updated. :P_

_And oui oui, it was Bob who escaped again :D 10 points to everyone who guessed it :D I hope you liked this chappie, despite its shortness. I can also inform you, dear readers, that we are nearing the end. :(:( 3 chappies and a small epilogue to go. But don't let that keep you from reviewing! Please review, folks! Gotta love reviews! And ready yourselves for the next chappie - **Chappie 13: What's With All These Surprises? **(you can't do nothing but love my chappie titles).  
_

_REVIEEEEEEEEW!  
_


	13. What's With All These Surprises!

_'ALLOOOOOOOOOO! :D So it's been like. What, three weeks and a few days? :( Sooo sorry, but I've had so much school stuff. Idk what they're playing at, with so many essays and stuff right before the holidays .. BUT! Today I am home from school. Not because I want to, but because of all the SNOW! :D I love snow. But I actually would have liked to go to school today. But it's lucky for those of you who have been waiting patiently (or not?) for me to update, because it just gave me time enough to finish editing this chappie :)_

_I hope you like it :D  
_

**- CHAPPIE 13: WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE SURPRISES?! -**

They walked in silence. Of course Bob could not speak, as he was a llama, but Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dean and Seamus were completely quiet as well. Bob was bouncing happily ahead of them, and they all followed even though they had no idea where they were going. However, as Bob headed for the dungeons, they hesitated. When Bob realised they weren't following him anymore, he stopped bouncing, turned around and looked at them, his head tilted slightly to the right.

"Er ..." said Ron. "I don't think it's such a good idea to go down there."

"Are you-- are you sure it's that way, Bob?" asked Harry, thinking of how Snape would react if he saw them.

Bob started bouncing again.

"We'll have to follow him then," sighed Hermione.

"But-- alright, alright, we're coming!" shouted Ron, for Bob had lost his patience and was chewing Ron's hair again.

"Why is it always my hair?" Ron said, grumbling, as they walked towards the dungeons again. "There's loads more of Hermione's, why mine?"

Hermione glared at him.

"And it can't be the colour, he doesn't eat Ginny's either ..."

Ron kept going about his hair all the way down the stairs. No one was listening, they were too busy wondering why on earth Bob was leading them to the dungeons.

"... could be my shampoo? But no, you use the same one Seamus, it's got to be some--"

"Ron, be quiet!" said Harry suddenly.

"Well, if you're going to be that way about it ..." said Ron, hurt that nobody cared about his hair.

"No, look!"

Harry pointed to Bob, who had stopped bouncing and was now surveying the wall right next to the Potions classroom, as though it was causing him great trouble.

"Shh!" whispered Hermione anxiously. "Snape could be nearby!"

They all stared silently at Bob as he continued to consider the seemingly uninteresting wall. It was quite clear that he was looking for something – but what he was looking for was not clear at all. From what they could see, it was merely a dark wall. But Bob continued to look at it, as though it was a particularly diffucult math problem.

"Er ..." said Harry after a while. "What exactly are we looking at here?"

"My guess would be a wall," said Ron.

"Me too," agreed Dean and Seamus.

"Well, there's got to be a point with this wall, right?" said Hermione. "I mean, otherwise we wouldn't be standing here, would we?"

"A point?" said Ron incredulously. "It's a wall, Hermione. Its point is to keep us from seeing what's on the other side. Which it is doing quite well at," he added.

Hermione scowled at him.

"Then tell me why we're here then!" she said angrily.

"I never said I knew! Ask Bob!"

"Ron, he's a _llama_, in case you hadn't noticed!"

"I have noticed, but weren't you the one who was on about how smart and special Bob is before?"

"That doesn't mean he can ta--"

"Guys?" said Harry.

"What?!"

"Er ... I think you're bothering Bob with your arguing ..."

Ron and Hermione looked round at Bob, who did look very annoyed indeed. He looked sternly at Ron and Hermione, who looked down at their feet.

"Sorry," they mumbled.

Harry, Dean and Seamus looked at each other, then looked away quickly, trying not to laugh. Bob returned to his wall and they all watched him in silence.

But after five more minutes of absolutely nothing happening, Ron seemed to lose his patience.

"Look, we might as well go, there's nothing to see and Snape could turn up any minute!"

"But there's obviously a reason why we're here, Ron!"

"I don't care if Bob's found a large stock of Potions essays to eat, I'm cold and I'm hungry, and I prefer real food!"

"Who says--"

But just then, Bob started bouncing again. It appeared that he had found what he was looking for.

"What is it?" asked Harry, momentarily forgetting that Bob was a llama (it wasn't really that hard to forget, since he rarely acted like one). Then the llama bounced three steps backwards and ran headfirst into the wall. For a moment the all stared at him, thinking he had gone mad. Then a hole, just large enough for an adult human to get through, opened in th wall, as if Bob had pushed some kind of button. Hermione gasped.

"It's some kind of secret corridor!" she said. "How did he find it? It's not on the Map, is it?"

"You're not supposed to ask questions, Hermione!" said Ron.

She ignored him.

"Where d'you think it goes?" asked Dean.

"I dunno," said Harry. "But we should probably find out, shouldn't we?"

"Er ... guys?" whispered Ron, sounding terrified.

"What?"

They all turned and looked at him. He was pointing to the staircase leading upstairs where a shadow was seen. Someone was walking downstairs. They all watched, momentarily paralysed, as the shadow reached the end of the staircase.

Severus Snape stepped into the corridor.

For one whole minute they just stood there, the Gryffindors and Bob staring at Snape, who stared back. But then, unfortunately, Snape came to his senses.

"Potter!" he said, walking towards them, looking extremely satisfied. "What is all this?"

"It's, er ... it's us," said Harry. "And Bob," he added.

"Of course I can see it is you," he sneered. "But may I ask why you are making holes in the walls?"

"I, er ... Well ... Er, we ... Er ..."

Harry glanced at Bob who, for some reason, looked more like a llama than he had ever done before.

"But of course," said Snape, looking delighted at Harry's failed attempt to defend himself, "none of this is Potter's fault, is it? Perhaps the one who is breaking the sacred walls of Hogwarts is this _thing_?"

He pointed at Bob.

"Well, actually--" began Ron – but he was suddenly interrupted by Bob, who ran headfirst, not into the wall, but this time into Snape. Snape was knocked backwards and landed on the floor, flat on his back. Bob considered him for a moment, then started bouncing on the Potions professor's stomach.

"I think that's the best thing Bob's ever done!" said Ron. Then they all, with the obvious exception of Hermione who was looking around nervously for any sign of more teachers, burst out laughing.

"Okay," said Ron after a few moments, still chuckling, "what do we do now?"

"Well, we go through that hole, don't we?" said Harry.

"Yeah, but what about Snape?" asked Seamus. "What if he wakes up?"

"Good point," said Ron. "Somebody should stay here and keep an eye on him – and make sure nobody else sees him."

"I guess we could do it," said Dean. "Seamus and I."

"Yeah, that'd be nice," said Hermione, recovering from the shock of being the 'owner' of a llama who had just attacked a teacher. "Just get Snape out of the way and make sure no one sees him. Or you," she added. "Gryffindors don't usually hang around in the dungeons, even if we're allowed to."

Dean and Seamus nodded. Bob bounced off Snape's stomach and into the mysterious corridor in the wall. Harry, Ron and Hermione said goodbye to Dean and Seamus, lit their wands, then followed.

Bob was leading, his superman cape fluttering wildly around him as he bounced along the corridor. They walked in silence, all three wands held high, all looking around, both amazed and a little frightened. It wasn't a very nice place at all, which was not surprising since it was located around the dungeons. But this corridor seemed worse – in fact, the only place Harry could remember seeing that was more creepy than this was probably Gilderoy Lockhart's office.

The walls were covered in slime and everything smelled like rotten fish. It reminded Harry and Ron very much of the Chamber of Secrets. The worst thing was that it was so dark that you couldn't see what was ahead, even when using the Lumos spell.

After ten minutes Ron broke the silence.

"I'm cold, how long is there?" he said irritably.

"Ask Bob," said Hermione, annoyed.

"He's a llama."

"Yes, but as you may have noticed then we're currently _following _that llama through a dark and creepy corridor, and none of us know--"

"Shh!" said Harry suddenly.

He pointed ahead of him, and they all looked at Bob, who had stopped and was, once again, examining the wall.

"Not again," Ron groaned.

But Bob was faster this time. A lot faster, actually, because it only took him thirty seconds and three bounces backwards before he ran headfirst into the wall which, just like last time, revealed a holde. However, as the Trio moved closer, they saw that there was no hidden corridor this time, but instead there was a large, dark room.

"What is this place?" whispered Ron.

"I dunno," said Harry, "but it reminds me more and more of the Chamber of Secrets."

"Yeah, but ... but it can't actually _be_ the Chamber of Secrets, can it?"

Bob shook his head. Ron let out a sigh of relief.

"What is it then?" asked Harry.

At this, Bob shrugged, which, to him apparently, seemed like a very normal thing for a llama to do.

"Well, are we supposed to go in there, then?" he asked.

Bob nodded. Ron looked very pale, but both he and Hermione followed Harry, who was following Bob, into the mysterious dark room.

* * *

DUN DUN DUUUUUUH! _Any guesses as to what will meet them inside this mysterious dark room? ö_

_Um, well, I get off school for two weeks from tomorrow, so I might be able to even finish this story before going back to school again (two chappies and an epilogue to go!), but don't be disappointed if I don't update more than once ... my memory is very bad, and I am a very lazy person. So I hope you'll survive. But I PROMISE! (!!!) that you will have **Chappie 14: This Is Really Getting Out Of Hand ...** before we enter 2010! I promeeeeze!_

_But the chances that I will update again before Christmas are very small. So here it is, dear readers: _**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**

_Have a very Harry Christmas :D_

_Oh, and btw - REVIEW, PLEASE!! :D ty.  
_


	14. This Is Really Getting Out Of Hand

_Hallo lovely readers. I made it, just before the new year! Hurray._

_This chappie is not all that long, really, as it was originally part of chappie 13, but I decided to split it. You see, now I sound all JKR-ish, because I _decide_ to split things. Like I have PLAHNS for my stories. I don't. Looool. ANYWHO, this chappie took a bit extra time than I thought to get done, as I have been working on this other fic that I hope will be ready to be up soon, though I will finish TML first. And I've been reading. And I've been playing my new Quidditch World Cup game. YES, I HAVE BEEN OH SO VERY BUSY (as in not at all, but I'm oh so lazy, so yeah)._

_Anywho. See you by the end - enjoy!  
_

**- CHAPPIE 14: THIS IS REALLY GETTING OUT OF HAND ... -**

As soon as their feet hit the floor in the dark and mysterious room, a blinding light was lit. Hermione screamed, Ron fell over, Harry jumped and dropped his glasses and Bob hid behind Hermione (though it wasn't so easy, as he was still bouncing). Then an unexpected voice spoke.

"What is this?!" it shouted. "I didn't ask them to put those up! _Creepy_ lights I said, _creepy_! And this is what they come up with?!"

Their eyes had now gotten used to the light, and when Harry found his glasses, he turned and saw the source of the outraged voice.

Hermione gasped. In the middle of the no-longer-dark-at-all room, surrounded by enormous spotlights like the ones Muggles used for filming, looking extremely unhappy, stood none other than Lord Voldemort himself. Turning, Harry saw the hole in the wall through which they had come close behind them. There was no way out.

Hermione nudged him in the ribs. She look very anxious but pointed to a spot just behind Voldemort. He gasped, and so did Ron.

Sitting behind Voldemort were two figures – the Author and Luna. They seemed to be bound to the wall with ropes, but did not seem to care much about their current situation. The Author was humming quietly and Luna was staring dreamily into space, her mouth moving as though talking to herself.

"I have to find some more intelligent followers," Voldemort was muttering now, and they turned their attention back to the Dark Lord. "But it does not matter now!" he exclaimed, turning to face the Trio and Bob. "It seems that you were not intelligent enough to realise this was a trap! Your – er – llama did not seem to realise this either, which was lucky for my plan, or else it would not have lead you here."

"Hey!" shouted Ron angrily, making Harry and Hermione jump (Bob was doing so already but looked curiously at him). "_He_ has a name! It's Bob!"

Voldemort stared at him. So did Harry and Hermione. When he realised what he had just done – shouted at Lord Voldemort, the most dangerous dark wizard of all times, about a llama – he turned red and muttered "Sorry" to Harry and Hermione, but shot a quick, angry look at Voldemort before staring at his feet.

"Ahem," said Voldemort. "So, where was I? Oh, yes – you will surely be able to guess why you are here."

"So you can blind us all?" asked Harry, drawing his wand.

"No," sneered Voldemort irritably, "that was not my original plan."

"Then what is your original plan?" asked Luna dreamily. "It is getting rather boring just to sit here, you know."

Voldemort looked very distracted for a moment.

"No more interruptions!" he shouted then.

"I don't know if you can call it an interruption, since you stopped talking," Luna pointed out, as if she was talking to a five-year old.

"Anyway," said Harry quickly before Voldemort started attacking her, "why are we here? Trying to kill us all again, are you?"

"It is a possibility," said Voldemort. "I have also considered transfiguring you into animals and selling you to a Muggle circus."

They stared at him. Even Luna and the Author looked at him with mild interest.

"Animals? Circus? Really?!" Harry said incredulously.

"Yes!" said Voldemort triumphantly, apparently under the belief that he had scared them witless. "It is the perfect plan – you will be unable to communicate with any humans, and therefore you will be forced to act like animals!"

"I thought you didn't believe there was anything worse than death?" the Author said suddenly.

"I-- Well, of course-- _No interrupting the Dark Lord!"_ shouted Voldemort, pointing his wand at her. She seemed rather unconcerned with this though, and simply started humming again.

"So," said Voldemort, turning back to the Trio. "Who wants to be first?"

Nobody answered. Harry silently wondered why villains always asked that question – afterall, nobody usually wanted to be the first to die or, in this case, be transfigured into an animal.

"No volunteers?" Voldemort asked. "Then I shall just take you first, Harry Potter."

"Er ..." said Harry.

It was very hard to concentrate on a proper comeback, or even a defensive spell, as it would draw too much attention to what he was trying very hard not to look at in order to keep Voldemort from noticing. That something was, of course, Bob.

The llama was now sneaking from spotlight to spotlight, hiding behind each of them and looking from side to side. He was much larger than them though, so they didn't hide him at all, but somehow he had managed to get much closer to Luna and the Author, who he seemed to be attempting to free, than even Voldemort was, without Voldemort noticing.

_He needs time,_ Harry thought. _I have to distract Voldemort._

"I-- Well-- Why?" Harry asked somewhat lamely.

"Why what?" sneered Voldemort, his eyes narrowing.

"Why're you doing this? What's the point?"

"The point?" Voldemort asked incredulously. "The point, Harry Potter, is that ..."

And then Voldemort talked and talked and talked, and Harry was not listening because he kept his eyes on Bob, which was safe now that Voldemort was distracted with revealing everything a villain probably should not reveal, like his favourite colour or whatever else he was talking about. The Author kept humming, providing a sort of background music which sounded suspiciously like something Harry had once heard in a Muggle film Dudley had, before he had broken it of course, called _Star Wars_.

"What are you doing?" whispered Hermione, standing next to him, out of the corner of her mouth.

"Buying him time," Harry whispered back and shot an important look at Bob.

Hermione understood and he heard her repeating it to Ron.

_Just a little more ... _Harry thought. Bob was very close, but he could not move fast because it would make to much noise on the hard stone floor.

But then –

"... and now we are here," Voldemort said, finishing his story.

Harry quickly looked at him, pretending he had been listening the entire time.

"And now, Potter, it is time for you to--"

"Wait!" Harry shouted, though he had no idea how to stall Voldemort any longer.

"What now?" sneered Voldemort, but Harry could think of nothing to say.

"I-- Well, I--"

"Mary Poppins!" Ron shouted suddenly.

The room went quiet. Even the Author stopped humming, and Bob stopped moving, staring at Ron, who was very red and looked like he did not believe what had just happened, with both amusement and wonder. Harry, who felt exactly like Bob looked, shot him a get-a-move-on-look, and the llama quickly returned to his rescue mission.

If he had been scared of Voldemort noticing his and Bob's silent conversation, he didn't have to at all. He was staring at Ron with a look that clearly said that this was the most unexpected thing that could have happened. Then Hermione drew all attention to her as she burst out laughing.

Well, that might be an understatement. She fell to the floor, screaming with laugher with tears in her eyes and seemed unable to catch her breath. Harry had never seen her laughing so much, and the absurdity of it happening whilst in the same room as Lord Voldemort hit him so hard that he couldn't help it and laughed himself. Ron seemed to have realised this too, and though he still looked embarrased, he laughed as well.

This was too much for Voldemort. He roared with fury and shot a curse at the three of them, but as neither of them could stand still as they were laughing so hard (Hermione was rolling on the floor), it hit the wall behind them with a loud bang, crash, or whatever sound it makes when a curse hits a wall. However, it made all three of them stop laughing and look up, alarmed. Hermione was still trying to catch her breath.

"Enough!" shouted Voldemort. "I will not tolerate this--"

"Good llama, Bob!" said the Author's voice suddenly, and Voldemort turned.

Bob had reached his goal – Luna and the Author. After biting through the ropes binding them to the wall, he started bouncing, and the Author and Luna stood up.

"No!" screamed Voldemort. "This cannot happen! I am Lord Voldermort, the greatest wizarrd in history! I cannot be made such a fool of by a bunch of--"

But exactly what kind of bunch they were, they never found out, because Bob had found Luna's wand and given it to her, and she, with the help of the always helpful Author, suddenly, without anyone knowing how, turned Voldemort into a fluffy pink bunny.

Luna and the Author considered their work, as the bunny (aka Voldemort) bounced wildly around the room, looking confused. Bob bounced happily alongside him, and the Author said "Aww, how cute!" while Luna started pulling carrots out of her pocket and offering them to a very angry-looking bunny.

This was, again, too much for Hermione. Her laughing fit returned, and soon she was rolling on the floor (which she had never actually moved from) again, and Harry and Ron laughed too, though mostly because of Hermione, and Luna and the Author beamed at them.

"I expect it'll wear off in a couple of hours," said Luna wisely as Hermione quieted, out of breath. "We should probably get him out of here, before he changes back you know."

"Yeah," said Ron. Then he added, "Bloody hell, the only time I wish Colin Creevey was here to take a picture, he isn't."

"Oh, Merlin's beard, I don't think I've ever laughed so hard ..." said Hermione, getting shakily back on her feet.

"Well, let's get out of here," said the Author. "I know it's full of light, but it's not really _that_ cosy, is it? Bob, if you will, please?"

Bob ran headfirst into the wall again and the whole reopened, and they all left the strange room, Luna carrying Voldemort the Fluffy Pink Bunny.

"That was eventful," said Harry as they walked back.

They talked cheerfully about what had happened, and after reaching the second wall, after Bob had run headfirst into that one and reopened that hole, they stepped out into the dungeons.

"There you are!" said Seamus. "That took you long enough!"

"Where did you come from?" Dean asked Luna and the Author. "And what's with the bunny?"

"Oh, er, don't worry about that now," said Hermione. "Let's just get out of here before anyone sees us, or Snape wakes up."

And so they did. Dean and Seamus kept looking curiously at Voldemort, but they didn't ask anymore questions.

"Where are we going?" asked Harry suddenly.

They were, once again, following Bob, so nobody knew where they were going, and they had just passed the corridor leading to Gryffindor Tower.

"No more secret passages," said Ron in a pleading voice.

"Dumbledore!" said Hermione suddenly. "He's going to Dumbledore!"

"That's still a secret passage ... Ish," said Ron.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Oh, by the way, Ron," she said, smirking. "Mary Poppins?"

"Shut up," said Ron angrily, his ears turning red.

"Who's Mary Poppins?" asked Seamus.

"Never you mind ..." Ron grumbled.

Hermione broke into hysterical laughter again.

* * *

_TADAH! Was it good? I hope it was. I hope you ADORED IT and therefore will REVIEW :D:D:D or I dunno. Hated it but feel bad for me and then review and say nice things anyway :D muaha._

_So now we have ONE CHAPPIE and ONE EPILOGUE to go. DO YOU HEAR ME?! ONE CHAPPIE AND ONE EPILOGUE. THAT IS NOT VERY MUCH. I AM IN A VERY CAPS-LOCK-Y MOOD TODAY, EXCEPT I AM CURRENTLY HOLDING DOWN SHIFT INSTEAD YOU KNOW. THAT'S RIGHT. I'M SO HARDCORE._

_Anyway. I do wish for the next chappie to be up in not too long. But it will not be until 2010. Lolololololol. Teehee. Am I the only one who thinks the Hospital Wing scene in HBP with Lavender and Hermione and Ron, and then Snape's just standing there staring and then Michael Gambon's all 'Oh, love tralala' ish is bloody hilarious? I am watching it now. As you could possibly guess. Anywho._

_Happy new year everybody! Do remember to stay safe - DO NOT LICK THE FIREWORKS, ESPECIALLY NOT THE ONES YOU HAVE ALREADY ADDED THE ELEMENT FIRE TO - and stay alive to read the next (AND LAST! MWUAHAHA!) chappie, which is called **Chappie 15: Explanations**, which will, surprise, give you some explanations. And review, please! I love you all.  
_


	15. Explanations

_Merlin's Freaking Velvety Beard. It's been like, what, a year? The last update was in '09 anyway :D MB. WELL. I'm so sorry. I hope this chappie and the fact that the Epilogue won't take long to edit will make up for it_. _I have just been so busy, which I always have been, but still. I have. I hope you all are lovin' 2010 as much as I am!_

_Now get ready to read the very last chappie - see you by the end!  
_

**- CHAPPIE 15: EXPLANATIONS -**

"Socks!"

"What?" asked Ron blankly.

"Password," the Author answered, shooting him a sideways glance as the stone gargoyle moved and the staircase leading to Dumbledore's office appeared.

"Oh."

They went up, Luna absentmindedly stroking an angry Voldemort, still a fluffy bunny. When they reached the door, Harry knocked. There was the usual "Enter," and they went in.

Dumbledore was, as always, sitting behind his desk, upon which was a bowl of Sherbet Lemons. He was knitting again, though this time a scarf which, strangely enough, seemed to have a bunny pattern on it. He looked up at the strange group with a mildly surprised expression – not nearly surprised enough for such a strange compination of people slash animals.

Harry opened his mouth, but before he could say anything there was another knock on the door. But even as Dumbledore said his automatic "Enter," the door burst open to reveal a very angry Snape. Upon seeing the group of teens and animals in the office, his anger seemd to grow and his face reddened to match Ron's hair. He shot Bob a look of deepest loathing, one he usually only spared for Harry – who did receive one as well – and walked straight up to Dumbledore and started muttering angrily in his ear. The old Headmaster nodded once in a while. After a few minutes Snape stepped back and stood in a corner, scowling.

Dumbledore looked up.

"Well, I think it is time to pay some attention to our students," he said, smiling kindly at them. "And animals," he added, nodding his head in Bob's and Voldemort's direction. "How may I help you? I assume you have a good reason for interrupting my knitting, and I would be surprised if it were merely for a Sherbet Lemon or two."

"Er … " said Harry, trying to ignore the highly amusing looks of bewilderment on Ron's, Dean's and Seamus's faces. He even thought he saw Voldemort stare incredulously at Dumbledore, though it was hard to tell, since he was a bunny. "Well, Sir, you see, we-- well, I'll just start from the beginning …"

And then Harry explained everything – well, the things he knew, anyway. He would have avoided telling the Headmaster about what they had done to Snape if he wasn't sure that the greasy professor had told Dumbledore already. He did, however, avoid telling him about Ron's Mary Poppins 'incident', and merely told him that Ron had distracted Voldemort, to spare him of any further embarrasment.

When he was done, Dumbledore was silent for a while, gazing into space. Harry turned slightly and saw Dean, Seamus and Snape all staring rather stupidly from Voldemort to Luna and then to the Author.

"Well," said Dumbledore then. "This is obviously quite a surprising turn of events But we do still have a few things to clear up, and I believe that there is only one person who can help us."

He looked at the Author with a kind expression.

"Sure," she mumbled, "just because I made all this up, _I_ have to help you all out … And I thought you were good at this part …"

But she moved forward and stood in front of Dumbledore.

"So what do you need to know?" she asked.

"Well, firstly I think we would all like to know how – and why – you and Miss Lovegood ended up in the hands of Lord Voldemort."

"Well, it's all very typical Voldemort," she explained, speaking as if she was trying to explain why two and two was four. "He was mad at us – and Harry, Ron and Hermione of course, but that's nothing new – for ruining his plans at Christmas, so he kidnapped Luna and then, well, I just happened to turn up and he thought he would kidnap me as well. Bob happened to see him catch me though, so he went to find Harry, Ron and Hermione to try and get them to save us. Which was, of course, Voldemort's plan …"

"But how did Bob get out?" asked Hermione who, like everyone else, had assumed that someone had kidnapped Bob and jumped out the window with him.

"Noticed the sheets?" asked the Author. The Gryffindors nodded. "Bob was bored, since you guys left him with nothing to do in your dorm, so he thought it would be fun to practice what to do in an emergency. Or he was just pretending he was a ninja, I'm not quite sure," she added thoughtfully.

"But-- wait, so what was with the scream?" asked Dean.

"Oh, um, yeah, that was me," she said sheepishly.

"You?" asked Hary incredulously. "But you weren't-- You were getting kidnapped, not in our dorm!"

"Well, I was actually in your dorm," she said. "I was talking to Bob, and then he started on the whole sheet-thing, and after he jumped I was looking out and I actually fell out the window, which was why I screamed. I managed to grab the sheets so I didn't die, which you should all be thankful for since, you know, I'm the Author, and then all of a sudden Voldemort turns up and kidnaps me. Bob saw it and ran to alert you guys."

"Wait," said Ron slowly. "You're supposed to be 'all-knowing', aren't you? How come you didn't know you'd get kidnapped?"

"Well, you know, I was mostly concentrating on trying to remember the lyrics to this really nice song," she said casually. "He caught me off guard. And I still don't remember the lyrics," she added thoughtfully.

"How come you didn't escape, then?" Ron pushed on, looking triumphant. "I thought you could do anything! You've disappeared out of nowhere plenty of times!"

"I couldn't just leave Luna, could I?" she shrugged. "Besides, something had to happen to make me explain everything to you, or you would all just run around in the unknown."

Ron opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again and then gave up.

"One more thing," said Harry. "How come my scar hasn't hurt at all?"

The Author considered him thoughtfully.

"Do you actually miss it?"

"Well, no, but--"

"Then I don't see the problem!"

She beamed at him. He stared at her. Well, everybody stared at her.

"Really now, that's rude."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"So, wait, there's one thing we still don't know," Seamus said. "What's Bob doing here in the first place? Who brought him here?"

The Author checked her watch.

"Actually, the answer to that question should be here by now …"

And as if 'the answer' had heard, the door to Dumbledore's office suddenly burst open, revealing an old man in hawaii shirt and shorts. He looked only a few years younger than Dumbledore. In fact, Harry thought there was something very Dumbledoreish about him …

"Aloha!" the man said enthusiastically. _Definitely _Dumbledoreish.

Dumbledore had stood up. He stared at the man, then looked at the Author.

"My my," he said, but he was smiling. The Author shrugged and went to shake the newcomer's hand.

"Aloha, Aberforth!" she said. "Good holiday?"

"Excellent, excellent, thank you," he replied. "Hello Albus!"

He went to shake Dumbledore's hand.

"Hello Aberforth," said Dumbledore. "I certainly wasn't expecting you here, though I must say, it is a pleasant surprise."

"Aberforth?" exclaimed Hermione suddenly, her eyes widening. "Aberforth Dumbledore? Your brother?"

"Indeed," said the Headmaster.

"So, wait, you're the one with the goats?" Ron asked without thinking.

"Er," said Aberforth, "sure! But before I left for Hawaii, I got a wrong order of goats, actually. They brought me a llama instead, you see."

"A llama?" asked Dean. "You're the one who put Bob here?"

"Bob?" asked Aberforth. "Who's-- Oh!" His eyes found Bob, who was currently chewing on a corner of Dumbledore's desk. "You named him, eh? Yeah, that's the one I got."

"Why did you put him here?" asked Harry.

"Well, this young lady" – he nodded at the Author – "showed up at my place and asked me if it wasn't time for a holiday! I said to her that I'd wanted that for a long time, but I couldn't leave that llama alone, it was eating everything in reach! So she told me, 'take him to Hogwarts!', and I did, knowing Albus would take care of him. But when I got there, Albus wasn't around so I just left him outside his office with a note," he finished.

"There was no note when we found him," said Harry.

"Really?" said Aberforth, stroking his beard. "Well, he must have eaten it then."

"Wait – you put him outside Dumbledore's office?" asked Hermione. "But we found him in the Gryffindor common room!"

Everyone turned to look at the Author.

"Well …" she said. "I _might_ just _accidentally_ have let him in … Well, he was bored!" she said, as the Gryffindors and Snape glared at her. "And hungry!"

"So you decided to let him eat our homework, did you?" asked Ron angrily.

"Well, that wasn't exactly the plan, but you know how unreliable llamas can be in those early stages …"

Ron looked murderous, which did not seem to concern the Author one bit, but before he could start chasing her with a bat again, Hermione spoke.

"Anyway, I suppose you want to take Bob back now?" she asked Aberforth.

"What?"

Ron's anger faded abruptly to be replaced by shock and sadness. Bob looked up from the desk.

"Not necessarily," said Aberforth, seeming to notice the look on Ron's face. "You can have him if you'd like, he wasn't even supposed to be mine."

"We can keep him?" Ron almost shouted, his face lighting up.

"Sure," said Aberforth, slightly amused.

Bob started bouncing and Ron beamed, not caring (or maybe just not noticing in his happiness) that Hermione was giggling.

* * *

_WEEEELL. Wasn't that fun? Eh? Anyharry - I do hope you liked it and I beg you for reviews. I know, Aberforth is not at all like that. I'm so sorry. But I needed him to be OOC, as he was just most likely to have a random llama. Or. You know. Idk, but :D you know. I do hope you don't think it's too annoying. This is not at all supposed to fit in with canon, soooo you know :D_

_I'm so distracted by the TV right now. So I'll just say PLEASE REVIEW (again), and get ready for the **EPILOGUE!** which will be up very soon, hopefully. WHICH WILL BE THE END. (dun dun duuuh)_

_REVIEW, THANK YOU, DANKE SCHÖN, MUCHOS GRACIAS, MERCI, TAK etc etc.  
_


	16. Epilogue

_Why hello. Here it is. The epilogue. The very last part of this fic. I do hope you have enjoyed everything very much. But read this first, before I start thanking you all._

**- EPILOGUE -**

An hour or so after their grand adventure, the Trio sat in the common room with Bob and the Author. Ron had insisted Bob did not go to the dormitory, claiming he was afraid he would jump out the window again, though everybody knew Ron was just happy they were allowed to keep him. And the Author? Well, she was just there, and since she had just turned the darkest Dark Lord of all darkness into a bunny, no one objected.

Luna had, on Dumbledore's orders, sent Voldemort to Madagascar in a box. They had to hurry, the Author had said, since he would return to his normal self in only half a day's time. But even though Harry knew Voldemort would want revenge (again), and that he would be more than able to get back to the country easily, Harry wasn't really worried. They did have Bob after all, which was a large advantage in many ways. When Snape had attempted to give them detention just outside Dumbledore's office, Bob had started eating the professor's robes, causing him to forget all about the students and start chasing Bob, who thought they were playing a game of course. The llama had hid behind a suit of armor which had then fallen upon the Potions professor. By the time Snape had untangled himself, Bob and the teens had all gone.

"Ron, can I ask you something?" said Hermione suddenly.

"You just did," said Ron absentmindedly, poking an inkless quill at a piece of parchment in a very failed attempt to rewrite the Charms essay Bob had eaten the other day. "And I thought we'd agreed you weren't allowed to ask questions," he added, glancing at her.

Hermione rolled her eyes and ignored his last comment.

"How do you even _know _Mary Poppins?" she asked. "You're from a wizard family and Harry and I haven't told you about her, have we?"

Ron went red and kept looking down, but he tried to answer anyway.

"I … Well, I don't … I don't know! She just kinda … I dunno, she just popped into my head! It was like somebody just placed her there, like--"

He fell silent, mouth still open as realisation washed over him. His eyes narrowed as he turned to glare at the Author, who was on the floor, her back leaning against Bob. Her eyes widened and she bit her lip.

"Er, well, Ronald, you really-- I mean, I was just trying to help, you know …"

Ron slowly withdrew his baseball bat, looking more murderous than he ever had and she slowly got up from the floor.

"You can't honestly still want to kill me--" - Ron raised the bat over his head – "Or, you know, maybe I should just go home," she added, backing slowly towards the portrait hole. "I really thought we were making progress," she finished, then broke into a run, out of the common room and into the 7th floor corridor with Ron close behind, shouting "And you couldn't have me shout anything other than Mary bloody Poppins?"

Harry sighed, but Hermione simply look after them for a moment – until she burst out laughing. As Harry raised an eyebrow at her, she said, arms on her stomach and struggling for breath, "I can't-- I can't help it, it's-- it's like someone's making me, I can't--"

She cut off abruptly, then straightened up, her eyes narrowed like Ron's, staring out the still open portrait hole into the hallway from where Ron could be heard shouting "OI! Come back here!"

"I'll be right back," she said through gritted teeth, drawing her wand and stomping out of the common room.

Harry put his head in his arms and groaned, as Bob started bouncing, his Superman cape hitting a couple of first years in the head.

THE END

* * *

_UH-UH, that's right. I said the end. THE END :(:( WELL. I hope you have enjoyed reading this fic - I know I enjoyed writing it, and I have very much loved everyone who has ever reviewed, which I will keep on doing of course, because just because it's finished no one's saying you can't review, EH? :D_

_So yeah. This is the end, no more Bob. I am working on a new fic, which will be up in like. A few years. Lol. KK, not really, but my writing time is oh so very limited these days, what with going to school and all. ANYWHO._

_I LOVE YOU ALL. Please review this last part as well, and don't hate me too much for being so mean to everyone and making them all OOCish, and forcing them to shout random names and stuff._

_THANK YOU, READERS! BOB LOVES YOU!  
_

_- IngeB out.  
_


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